Thursday, December 8, 2011

Does The Thought Really Count On Christmas?

A well used platitude: "It's not gift, It's the thought that counts." This simple statement is a reassurance that no matter how expensive or cheap a present is that the personal meaning/story behind it is more important than any monetary value that it might possess. While this phrase may warm the cockles of our heart, it is hardly ever true and hardly even accurate. In fact, the opposite almost without exception is true. As the great Micheal Scott from the Office says: "Presents are the best way to show someone you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say 'Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth." While this statement is intended to be humorous there is some truth in it. All things being equal the thought DOES count however, it is rare that anyone puts ANY thought into gift giving let alone ENOUGH thought to compensate for the HUGE monetary discrepancy between the presents that you exchange.

Gift cards are the most vile, pathetic excuse for a present ever invented and are void of any thought whether the value is great or small. At best the facade of a gift card attempts to say: "I vaguely remember that you like this store so I am allowing you the gift of going there to the tune of ___ many dollars." I am going to take time out of my day to drive to a store and give that store cash so that they can give me fake cash back which can only be redeemed at said store within one year at which time the Monopoly money will vanish into thin air. Granted, I recognize that gift cards have saved many Cosby sweater catastrophes from occurring on Christmas day but what's wrong with Cash? When did it become Taboo to quietly slip a couple of crinkled twenties inside a formulaic Christmas card (that made have been used a time or two) and place it on the tree?

Also, if we are being honest isn't "It's the thought that counts" really just a device so that poor people don't feel wholly pathetic at the burnt offerings they are about to bestow upon their family members? Unless you have instituted a 20 dollar rule among your friends/family you can be pretty sure that your hand made ceramic cats are not going to stand up to a 63 inch television.

Wealthy people tend to dread Christmas because it often exposes them for the thoughtless penny pinching assholes that they are. As stated in an earlier essay, Rich people learn at an early age to insulate themselves from people who might try to take their money. You would think that this would increase a rich person's ability to find a thoughtful gift rather than expensive gift. However, the Achilles heel of the Rich is that they are also self absorbed and when they are not counting dollars and cents, they are fully consumed with their own wants and desires. What this translates to is a fundamental inability to conceive of an object that someone else might like let alone attach a personal emotion to the object.

In addition, can a wealthy person really give a "thoughtful" inexpensive gift without being seen as cheap? Short of finding the bear that your grandfather played with as a tot at a swap meet for 5 dollars there is no low cost gift that a rich person can give. No one wants wants to drive up to your 10,000 square foot house and get handed a basket of oranges that you picked from your garden. The unwritten rule for wealthy people is that "the thought" should begin with something that costs at least 100 dollars. In addition why not also try having the thought that it might be a little unseemly to open your presents that costs thousands of dollars in front of people who are hoping for a pack of underwear and tube socks to get them through the year.

The lesson here is that there is no way to quantify the inherent "specialness" of a gift and as such it is better to error on the side of brash, expensive presents FOR EVERYONE. No girl wants to get an engagement ring weaved from some fibers of grass from where you first met, they want a diamond. On a special day, people want special things so that their inescapable nightmare of a life can be temporarily quelled for one day of present unveiling bliss. If you still believe that it's the thought that counts, then make that thought money this Christmas and count some out for me.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

How To Drive Your Porsche

As Peter Parker's uncle put it "With great power comes great responsibility." Upon first glance it might be difficult to see the correlation between Spiderman and a Porsche driver yet, they are in their essence the same thing. Peter Parker was an every man who was transformed by a spider bite into a heroic protector of the weak and innocent.  A Porsche owner by virtue of a key is elevated to a level of prestige and envy untouched by most. The problem that arises with many Porsche drivers however is that they are oblivious to the unstated duties of driving a German crafted sports car. Besides having the funds to pay the astronomical price tag, a Porsche owner is obligated to uphold an image of class and unobtainable superiority. People who see a Porsche drive by shouldn't feel jealous, instead they should look upon it with reverence and eagerly get out of the passing lane.

Sadly, inside North America and I imagine many countries all over the world Porches are being passed over with cursory glances that were once reserved for Fords Buicks and Dodges. This loss of image is directly related to a deflated sense of mystique which is directly related to a dwindling adherence to the rules of driving a Porsche. Should you ever find yourself among the 1% and you stumble across this blog please read the following detailed instructions to insure that you are driving your Porsche correctly.

1) Cleanliness: A Porsche must always be clean. Correction, a Porsche must always be spotless. With a cost of 80,000 dollars and up a Porsche is a jewel to behold. You wouldn't wear a scuffed, dinged and dirty watch or necklace so why should you expect anything less for your car? A Porsche is intended for good weather only, not because it can't handle a little bit of rain or snow but because it should be regarded as a toy of excess. Let your four door Mercedes or BMW do the grunt work on the sleet filled salty streets. When the weather is cool and clear, then and only then is it time to let the turbo's rip. If you can't afford to store your Porsche in inclement weather you can't afford to have a Porsche. Also, if you can afford to foot the bill for high octane fuel then you can spare the cost for a monthly detailing.

2) Manner of Dress: You are not a hobo/hobette who stumbled out from your crack den and into the alley where your Porsche was parked. Absolutely no sweat pants. I don't care if you just came from the gym, that is what changing rooms were invented for. The optimal dress is probably business casual, something with movement but enough style to still look important. If you must wear anything else first insure that it is properly tailored or that it is an article of clothing that isn't prominent within the general public. Remember, a t-shirt isn't just a t-shirt if it costs 100 dollars.

3) A Porsche Boxster isn't a Porsche: If you are rich and you have accidentally purchased one of these cars for yourself please immediately throw it in the garbage. If you own a Porsche Boxster thinking that you had finally "made it" sorry, you are still not part of the club. No member of the upper class strives for the bare minimum. The Porsche Boxster is merely a Pyramid scheme that keeps Porsche in business long enough to sell real Porsches to real Porsche owners.

4) Attitude: You are the 1%, the working world aspires to be you. You are not just a king/queen among men, you symbolically represent the dreams of millions of people. Because of this you are not allowed to be in a bad mood when you are driving your Porsche. The desire for many to go on with their lives is fueled by the vain hope that one day they will become someone like you.  Do not crush their lives by getting angry at the barista who forgot your non fat whipped topping. Your tiny burst of road rage or sad frown at the sight of a traffic jam is enough to crack the facade that is holding up the world. Remember, even if nothing is going right in your life, you've still got a Porsche and that ain't so bad.

5) Driving Habits: A Porsche is a high performance machine that has been tested on the Nurburgring in order to tweak it for maximum response in braking, turning and acceleration. A Porsche was not built and was never intended to be a boulevard cruiser. Under no circumstances should you drive the car 15 miles per hour...anywhere. A Porsche should always be driven fast. Speed limits should be regarded as a suggestion rather than an instruction. Because of the unstated requirement to drive fast it is also your duty to pay a small duty fee in the form of speeding tickets. A couple hundred dollars is a pittance to pay in order to tell the rest of the world "I can drive as fast as I want."

 Whether it is a briefcase, a basket of wine and cheeses from the Napa valley or a lady of the evening the passenger seat should always be occupied.  Onlookers don't want to believe that sad, old, lonely men putter around nightclubs in search of gold digging strays. Rather, people want to believe that a Porsche driver has already got it all and if he doesn't have it yet, he is on the short, exclusive waiting list.

Finally, music. If the sound of a high revving engine and turbo whoosh isn't enough for you then please be sure to choose your music wisely. Save the 80's hair bands for your cousin's Camaro. Anything too loud or ostentatious takes away from the importance of the car. Loud noises are devices used by children and people of low intelligence. Like a drunk heckler at a comedy club an overly loud display of music will get people looking at you for all of the wrong reasons.

If you work these five steps into your Porsche driving regimen the world will be a better place for it. Good luck and God bless.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Attitude For Platitudes

Platitudes are the more annoying cousin of cliches. They are commonly used by idiots to be indirectly condescending to  people who are experiencing a great deal of stress or grief. Granted, the idiot is generally not aware that they are being condescending nor are they are aware that what they are saying is a platitude. So let us dig deep into the psyche of a platitude user and try to understand why they are so abhorrent.

For the record a platitude is a "dull or trite remark, uttered as if it were fresh or profound." Cliches are often disposable sayings that have lost all meaning through repetition. They are commonplace and used in every day situations to express everyday feelings about everyday things, everyday.

Platitudes on the other hand strive for the profound and attempt at their heart to express something meaningful but fail horribly. A human misconception (with an emphasis on the male species) is that all problems CAN and SHOULD be solved as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, matters of an emotional nature can rarely be broken down, assessed and corrected over an afternoon of coffee. Further, any priceless advice or wisdom that someone might dispense in order to quickly correct a problem generally registers as an insult rather than a helping hand. 

I think the original idea behind platitudes deep inside their nougaty caramel center was a promise of wisdom and guidance. These sayings were supposed to provide reassurance that the afflicted was not alone in their suffering, or if they were alone in their suffering, that it was somehow important and justified. So was born a famous platitude: "Everything happens for a reason." Granted, the thought that all things are connected and every life is equal but opposite is a good thought/feeling to project. However, I suspect the guy who accidentally lit himself on fire and burned to a smoldering heap might have preferred an unplanned chaotic torrential downpour to help quench the burning in his inflamed skin.  

As long as life eventually takes an upward turn it is easier to put life changing events into perspective and weather the storm. However, to the men/women who continually suffer throughout their whole lives until their untimely death I don't think that the mantra "Everything happens for a reason" is providing much solace. I don't think that the bloated stomached, emaciated, disease infested African babies find comfort in the knowledge that their suffering is perhaps making the apathetic, bored, bloated first world masses incrementally more appreciative of their own lives.  

Some platitudes remind us to seize the day or to strike while the iron is hot. But, they also remind us that patience is a virtue and that good things come to those who wait. In essence often two opposing platitudes neutralize each other. If one of the above statements is true then half the world is misinformed and is being sent off to certain death. The other possibilities are that both camps of opposing statements are either both true or both false. In that case neither of the phrases need to be stated as it is unnecessary to stress caution or confidence when both should be juggled  equally. Further, there is no knowledge or advantage gained if both statements apply equally to opposite situations. What if someone is seizing the day when they should be practicing patience? In many  instances in life we are faced with a choice and unless we know beforehand the ultimate outcome a simple recap of the possibilities is hardly necessary or beneficial. 

So what's the subtext here? People who need support require it in all encompassing, personally involved ways. If you don't possess the courage, strength or resources to help nurture someone through a tough time please resist the urge to insert a platitude. No one wants a condescending prick pretentiously pontificating a less than poignant point.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Monster Envy: The Halloween Post

Perhaps I'm in the minority but I like my heroes to be accessible. I don't want to look up to some unattainable image with jealousy and be content with simply admiring someone else's ability to be. No, I want my influences to inspire me to self actualize, to be all that I can be and all that jazz.

I think that it is safe to say that in life I have taken the road less traveled and FYI Robert Frost IT HAS made all the difference. Unfortunately, the "difference" is that my life is crap. Don't get worried dear reader, this isn't a cry for help I'm just trying to articulate a point.

I used to like horror movies. Correction, I used to like the idea/thrust behind the genre of horror.  A few of the more successful horror films had at their heart genuine characters with genuine yearning and intent. In many cases  the killers had justifiable reasons for embarking on their reign of terror. Jason Voorhees lived his entire life as a deformed teased kid. One day he went to camp at Crystal Lake and ended up drowning due to the negligence of the camp councilors. Sure, maybe his mother got a little over zealous with a knife in the first installment of the series but after the plucky kids knocked her off Jason had twice the reason to grow into a beefy, immortal, goalie mask wearing killing machine.  

What about Freddy Krueger? He was the bastard child of a mother who was raped and impregnated by the inmates of a sanitarium for the criminally insane. After that he was abused, tormented and bounced around to several foster homes. Even if Freddy didn't end up killing hundreds of people it's not like he was destined to be president. 

Finally, Nosferatu/Old school vampires. Vampires of yesteryear were clammy black eyed rodent looking animals who only came out at night. Sure, vamps can't go into direct sunlight because it causes death, but methinks the original vamps refused to be seen in daylight because they were too hideous to creep out of the shadows. Vampires have no reflection in the mirror because they have no soul and are technically dead but having no reflection is also an unstated commentary on their exterior appearance. Did vampires really not appear in mirrors or did mirrors just refuse to recognize them because they were ugly?

Personally, I don't endorse killing for recreation or revenge but I do identify with the underlying themes behind the characters I mentioned. These stories are about tormented people/creatures who were never given a chance at normalcy in their lives. After a long period of unwarranted hatred and rejection they used that suffering as fuel to develop superior strength, intellect and will. They then take vengeance on a world that refused to accept them, a world who beat them down and tried to destroy them.  Besides the virgin who beats the killer in the the old horror films the rest of the people slayed are abhorrent human beings. For this reason we tend to cheer the killer on his/her quest for some twisted form of justice.

But one day that all changed. The heroic, ugly, outcast monsters who sought to neutralize the gap between the haves and have nots were staked through the heart. In their place an army of teenage heart throbs and heart throbettes took over. Vampires were no longer hideous creatures of the dark rather they were youthful athletic models destined to remain young and beautiful forever. The hunger for blood was once seen as a monstrous practice performed by a demon who forfeited his soul in order to stave off the decay of his body and the permanency of death.  Now blood is merely used as a device to heighten sexual tension and immortality is merely used as a device to reinforce the importance of youth and vanity.

In current slasher movies (spoiler alert) all of the killers are the cool kids. Killing is no longer a last resort brought upon by mental illness and an inability to fit in with the world. No! these days killing is en vogue.  Cool Trevor doesn't kill because of years of abuse he kills just because he's bored.

Mental illness, sadness, despair were the last refuge that the fringes of society had. For a while there everyone ignored the darkness within our species for the uncomfortable, inconvenient blight that it was. That was until someone realized that you can turn suffering into mystery and mystery into sexuality. Now no dark corners remain. The anti hero has become an unattainable brooding male model who has 1000 years of life experience and the power of 10 men. We no longer shudder and quake for fear of creatures that lurk in the pale moonlight. There is no sympathy remaining  in our hearts for the aching loneliness of being passed over.  Today's monsters are not something we are afraid of but something we wish we could be. When we hear a bump in the night we don't get a knife, we grab our cameras and autograph pads instead.

Friday, October 28, 2011


I'm not a communist, I don't think that everything should be predetermined and rationed out. However, I'm starting to wonder if having absolute control over every minute detail of our lives is serving our best interests in the long run.

In another post I spoke of my strict grandmother who refused to let my brother and I leave the kitchen table until all of our vegetables and foul tasting fish were consumed. I'm certain that my father had it even worse with her when he was a kid. When he was young there wasn't a grocery store for miles so if he was hungry he was compelled to eat whatever gruel my grandma had made in bulk earlier that week. In his world growing up, in my early childhood the only alternative to starvation was eating that which could arguably called food AND eating all of it. 

With the commercialization of food, convenience was born but with the advantage of convenience there came a price. The hidden consequence of food sold for profit is that it is generally bad for you. Fast food is bad for us because it prey's on our susceptibility to getting hooked on things that are high in salts, fats and sugars. Further,  things that are low in nutritional value are generally easier/cheaper to produce The end result is that we become a nation of junk food junkies circling a late night Taco Bell parking lot like a bunch of overweight buzzards.

But, you know all of that already.  My problem is that I intellectually know that eating fast food is bad for me and for my life in the long run. Yet, if you put a bubbling hot pepperoni pizza and some lawn clippings drizzled with a balsamic vinaigrette in front of me and ask me to pick one to eat, I will always pick the pizza. In addition, if you asked me to pick between a thin crust whole wheat pizza with feta cheese and arugula or the bubbling hot pepperoni with stuffed crust, I would pick the pepperoni. 

Perhaps you dear reader are superior to me. Perhaps your body is a temple and you have made the "connection." For you, I will extend the field of my argument in order to make my point.

If you ask people how many hours of television they watch per week they will typically downplay the number. Further, most people will also besmirch television programming as a cancer on their lives. Yet, in North America there is on average more than one television per household. For a nation of people who don't watch television and who hate the programming, we sure do buy some really expensive night lights. 

But I've already argued the hypocrisy of television watchers, today I want to talk about the programs themselves. About 15-20 years ago now a whole slew of new cable networks were introduced. The new wave of programming was intended to cater to more specified groups of television watchers. The idea was that not everyone wanted to watch the same type of programming at the same time. This model worked for a short while until everyone realized that you can make more money appealing to a general audience rather than a specific one. 

I'm not certain where the change began but we can certainly start from the present and work our way backward. MTV, a network created to show music videos and music related programming no longer shows music. The Discovery Channel a network dedicated to science, geography and understanding how things work has become the unofficial chopper and custom motorcycle building channel. The History Channel no longer talks about World War II and ancient Rome. Now the closest thing the Channel gets to telling tales of the past is when Chumlee tells Rick on Pawn Stars that he used to have a Teddy Ruxpin doll back in the 80's.

Whenever I lazily scroll through the channels I often come across a PBS special about intelligent underwater creatures or an incredibly interesting NOVA episode about the cosmos. As I get drawn in I think to myself "I sure am glad that these stations still exist because these programs are engrossing."  But then another thought permeates my mind and that thought is: "What was I watching? oh right, TMZ" I quickly change the show as it  murmurs something about the cuddle fishs' camouflaging technique and focus in on Harvey Levin murmuring something about Steven Bochco leaving STK. TMZ is an empty calories program but it doesn't expect anything of me intellectually. It entertains me with it's pop and zing. It tells me what opinion I should have and it over explains details that should be obvious by virtue of watching the clip. 

The very same thing would happen when I would go into a book store. I would think "Geez, this looks like it would be a nice place to sit down, read a book and be among my pseudo intellectual peers.  Yet, the only thing I can recall buying in a book store over the past five years is a coffee. I want so badly for these fixtures of my youth and these symbols of intelligent life to remain pure but I don't want to do any of the heavy lifting to support them.If given the choice between 2 intellectually stimulating channels or 200 channels of instant gratification, I will pick crap over content every time.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

What's Your Sign?

The English language is in decline and I can only assume that other languages are following the same path all over Earf. As a yooth this conserned me becos I felt like peeple were getting stupider. I was like "Drone, your loosing you're mind and u don't even know it." But then I realized something, people weren't getting progressively stupider, our language was just evolving. 

As a species, we have had our artistic run. As I've previously mentioned, we were once amazed by the crafting of words and the emotions that they would elicit. However, somewhere along the way we lost interest in being patient and imagining things and instead focused on science and technology. It is difficult to teach someone the value of understanding a math problem when there are apps to solve them for us. In addition, what is the point of toiling away looking for an answer when the internet can provide it for us instantly?

Our lives used to have poetic tempo filled with grand journeys and deeps swells of emotion and longing. But, as I've also previously mentioned, there is little to be conquered and much of what we might have called living has already been lived. If there are no great things to achieve and no great things to discover without years of corporation backed research and development, just what the hell are we supposed to do with all our time? The answer, Do it faster. If we can't live one life well, perhaps we can live many lives all at once. 

Our lives are no longer measured in the quality of connections but rather by the quantity. As a blogger, I am superficially aware of how many people are following me and I desire to have more no matter how good the 1 or 2 or 3 comments are that I might get. 1 on 1 conversations are a liability. Anytime that I only talk to one person I am missing my opportunity to expose and market myself to a larger group. In addition the more specialized my blog posts are, the more people I alienate from wanting to follow my blog. The only solution then is to create generalized blog posts that don't interest anyone absolutely but kinda interest a large number of people.

If we take the above idea it can be applied to life and the way that we are all starting to communicate. I'm sure that many of you who are reading this have been out with a group of people and 1 or 2 people within the group continue to text with someone who is not there physically. As they text they will type in short form and use common/familiar sayings.  Rarely if ever does one of the texters use complex language unless one of them is trying to "out nerd" the other one. Most conversations that occur revolve around ones exterior appearance and the increasing/decreasing level of their attractiveness. People in groups will also talk about places they came from, places they are going or things that they did. Most of the things that these people do/think/talk about are common to the people of their geographical area. Occasionally,  "the funny one" of the group might find an opportunity to regurgitate a line from a favorite television show or movie at an opportune time. 

When we email each other it is the same LOLcat, Fail videos, Best pictures of the year, panda's after the earth quake pictures. Usually the cycle of receiving the same images is just long enough so that we spend the same 20-30 seconds re-familiarizing ourselves with the content every time before deleting the email. We don't really talk about anything interesting or unique anymore. As narcissistic beings we'd like to believe that it is a bad thing but I think streamlining our species into a homogeneous hump is progress. 

When cars were first invented they were considered luxuries and pieces of art. It didn't take long however for the necessity of vehicles to eclipse their artistic value. Now cars are pumped out by the millions in a factory. Recently we have tried to inject some of the passion back into the design but the best we can muster is a cheap callback to a past generation. Over the past couple of decades we have tried to experience the depth of human emotion and psychological problems but only long enough to develop a medication to combat the problem so that everyone keeps steadily marching in line.

Computers have created a generation of agoraphobic shoe gazer's who only venture out into the world to ascertain groceries. They/we/me don't want to expose ourselves to the light of day because the prospect of having a frightening and unpredictable conversation with a stranger is just too much to bear. We may not be self reliant creatures but we are increasingly becoming less reliant on each other and more reliant on our machines. Because of this, it would seem silly if we didn't expect our language to evolve in order to reflect our needs. 

We don't need to court people and win their love with poetry or song. If we travel to the other side of the earth we don't need to send a letter, we'll send a quick text and be back in 2 days. Relationships are less and less about two people growing and living together for the rest of their lives and more and more like a business contract. Both parties live in the same house and share the illusion that they live together, but they live two separate lives, together.

It is no big stretch then to assume that over the next ten years we will gradually talk/type less and less to each other. Like Stephen Hawking we will just scroll through a smaller catalog of phrases that will be updated every 2 months to coincide with the latest batch of popular culture phrases. We'll probably have some LED's installed in our clothing that light up to reveal attraction/rejection.If it can't be found in the LOLCats catalog it can't be said. We will speak in many images at first, then fewer, then perhaps none at all.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Sometimes A Dream Is Just A Dream

The other night a show was on television in the background. I assume that it was Dancing with the Stars but I cannot be sure. During this particular segment there was a girl on who was a krump expert, I think that they are called crumpets. This crumpet weaved a familiar reality television tale about how dancing was her dream and the only thing that she knew how to do. At some point her mother was interviewed and it was revealed that she used the money allotted for the electricity bill in order to pay for her daughters dance classes.

As an observer we are supposed to take from this admission that her mother so deeply believed in her daughters talent and drive that her passion needed to be fostered over the families collective ability to see at night. For them, it worked out. The Krumper somehow managed a dancing career and she earned a feature spot on Dancing with the Stars. The message was clear: "Dream big, hold onto your dreams and never let go." It is the type of message and sentimentality that America can get behind. If you apply yourself, try really hard and want it bad enough, good things will happen. I don't want to diminish this message because being passionate and hard working is a great thing. However, I do feel that the other side of the coin must also be shown.

Every X-factor, American Idol, America's Got Talent show has the same premise. A hardworking, unrecognized nobody from somewhere in the middle of the country possesses a huge unrecognized talent. These people are burdened with children, bills, drugs, early childhood trauma. Their only way out of their horrific nightmare is for America to witness their inner awesome and catapult their fledgling career to the next level. For each cycle of the show about 4 out of 50,000 realize that dream. The rest of the people (the failures) are served with even more self doubt and tragic life circumstances.

All of their lives they were told that if they put their eggs in one basket and prayed to the god of money and success that their dreams would come true. The real reality is that most of our dreams do not come true. Further, investing your entire life into something without objectively assessing your own level of skill is reckless and irresponsible.

How about a reality show called "American Idol The Failures." The show would be shot documentary style like the little vignettes that are spliced into every program. we would visit the mobile home of Johnny failure in Mobile Alabama. Now thirty pounds heavier and rocking a strike beard he tearfully laments through sips of Budweiser how his wife and kids left him when HE left to pursue his American Idol dream. He quit his job at the cattle ranch/quarry/steel mill to pursue his passion and lost his medical insurance along the way. In a freak tractor accident he ran over his own foot, pulverizing it. Unfortunately due to having no insurance the wound festered. Johnny eventually had to get his friend Marcus to do some "doctoring" which involved pouring moonshine on his bloated leg and hacking it off with a chainsaw.

If the desire to be famous was promoted like a gambling addiction rather than a test of strength and willpower how many of us would still be obsessed with it? If fame was a sickness that needed to be cured how many of us would circumvent modest opportunity time and time again. Fame is a fickle lottery. Even talented people are passed over because they don't have the right "look". No one gets their 15 minutes of fame anymore and very few get 15 seconds. For every success story there is 100 suicides and 1000 broken homes. Dreams are great things to have just remember that many of them turn into nightmares that you cannot wake up from.

Monday, October 10, 2011

What Your Baldness Says About You

No one balds gracefully. Baldness is a microcosm of death. Your hairline is stripped away follicle by follicle and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Perhaps, if you are lucky you can throw a little Rogaine on it to temporary quell the beast of baldness but eventually the sparse reality will catch up with you.

You might be thinking "Baldness is more commonly accepted these days, it ain't so bad." and you would be correct. However, do you know what is even more commonly accepted these days? having hair. If you are a balding man the number of people who will date you is immediately cut in half. With hair, you have a choice to go bald and that choice is what makes all the difference in the world. This isn't to say that some men (or women) are unable to compensate or overcome their baldness it is just an assertion that going bald has never enhanced an individuals attractiveness potential.

While there might be people out there who find bald men or women attractive this rarely if ever gives a balding person a sense of security or satisfaction. Most baldies are ashamed, afraid or hateful of their baldness. To prove this I will now discuss the various types of bald/balding people and through their baldness extrapolate characteristics of their personalities.

Generally speaking their are two buckets that balding people fall into. One is where the baldie is aware and honest about their balding and after a period of regret takes the necessary steps toward accepting the change in their lives. The second group are people who try to cover up their baldness like a poorly planned murder. Since people who are more honest with their baldness are a little less abhorrent  I'll address them first.

The Statham:  This particular type of baldness is employed by a more attractive section of the bald race. The object of this style is to keep the remaining hair tightly cropped to the skull in a neat and aerodynamic cut. It is usually used by men who would look like cancer patients if they shaved off their hair completely  and as such must leave a little stubble to fill in the gaps, bumps and lumps. The intention of this hairstyle is to say: "Sure I'm bald but my athletic physique, ability to kick ass and drive Audi's more than makes up for my lazy hair genes. 

Biker Bald: Biker bald also known as the "Vincent Diesel" is a close cousin of the Statham. This style however is generally used by a girthier gentleman who doesn't care if it looks like a pack of hotdogs got glued to the back of his rolly bald head. This look says: "Yes, I had hair but one day it gave me too much lip so I murdered it." Often this bald style comes equipped with head tattoos of horns, wings or various other gang insignia to help cover up all the negative space. 

Beard Bald: Beard bald is a hilarious game that your genes play on you. Just as you begin to mature and grow facial hair you begin to lose the hair on your head. But not to worry! you've got a great way to recreate your youth. Instead of being bald on the face and hairy on the top, now you're hairy on the face and bald up top. This hairstyle says: "If I walked on my hands no one could tell the difference."

The Aristocrat: AKA the Mogul:  This hairstyle is generally used by men of great stature or wealth. This over 40 hairstyle is tantamount to a soul patch, it's a little bit of hair that is grown simply to annoy others around you. This hairstyle says: "If you say anything stupid about my hair you'll never work in this town again."

The Skullet: AKA the mad scientist. Popularized by homeless people and conspiracy theorists the skullet is chiefly a product of neglect.  More often than not addiction, "the voices" or a straight jacket get in between the skullet wearer and a pair of scissors. For added effect the skullet is enhanced if the bearer has curly afro like hair. This hairstyle says: "I am in no way connected to reality."

But enough about the self aware, let's move on to those who refuse to recognize the passing of their hair era.

Question: Who is the first person to recognize that you are bald? 
Answer: Everybody else.

The sad joke about going bald is that the 2 or 20 times that you look at yourself in the mirror each day pales in comparison to the amount of times that people in public are going to see you from a myriad of unflattering angels. The more deceptive you try to be in an attempt to salvage your hair loss the less trustworthy you appear as a person.

The Dead Animal: The most common solution to eradicate baldness is to staple what looks like a dead squirrel to the top of your head. Whether it is an ill fitting wig or the pelt of a recently deceased forest dwelling mammal, this hairstyle is a refusal to be bald at any cost. Well, I suppose not any cost because a more expensive hair piece might appear a little more convincing. The attachment toward vanity and youth is so strong to the hair piece wearer that they are content if only one out of every 100 people believe that "it's real." This hairstyle says: "I have a lot of secrets."

The Comb Over: The comb over is the most conventionally lampooned hairstyle by comedy sketch writers. On the positive side this hairstyle says that the bearer is willing to do whatever it cover his bald head.The comb over cannot stand the thought of his shiny chrome dome being exposed to the harsh light of day. He is content however with a few strands of unusually long hair being swept across the top of his forehead.  The comb over simply can't let go. As long as the premise of hair remains somewhere within the vicinity of his head he will grow it out and drag it across the valley.  The  comb over should be involved in balancing the budget because he is willing to stretch anything to make it work. His hairstyle says: "I am skeezy."

Guy Who Constantly Wears Sunglasses On The Top Of His Head To Disguise Receding Hairline: Self explanatory.

The Coliseum: The Coliseum is a perimeter of transparent thinning hair that surrounds the exterior of a bald persons head. It is often confused with the Yarmulke but the notable difference is the sheer size of the bald spot. Much like a coliseum, the walls on the outside are tall and supportive while the center is completely barren. The owner of the Coliseum hairstyle will never pick up change or low value items that he drops on the ground. He will also generally avoid conversations with people taller than he is an effort to avoid exposing his giant centralized baldness. This hairstyle is often employed by sleazy salesmen and it says: "Everything looks good at a quick glance if you can talk around the details."


The Never Nude: The Never nude is like Sasquatch, you cannot be sure of his existence. From sun up until sun down and everything in between he's got his head covered with a hat, bandanna, towel or various other items to keep his baldness under wraps. In some regions the Never Nude is known as the Country Singer. Never nudes generally grow out the remaining hair left on their head to create the illusion that underneath their ten gallon hat rests a billowy mold of healthy hair.  The only indication anyone might get that they are bald is when a strong wind blows and they put both hands on their head to hold their hat in place. No man who has a full head of hair is "two hands worried" about his hat blowing off and rolling ten feet away. This hairstyle says: "I can't afford a toupee."

As you can see there are many different personalities within the realm of baldness. If you my dedicated readers can think of any more simply post them in the comments below and if I think they are good I will add them to the list.