Sunday, March 20, 2011

Older Lady With Small Dog Syndrome

I dedicate this to my mother.

Don't get ahead of me. This isn't an essay about why I hate older ladies with small dogs, rather it is my belief that old ladies with small are an archetype and they share several strange and absurd behaviors. 

Small dogs are everywhere these days, in fact I have one. The first and noticeable difference between me and older ladies is that I keep mine on a leash. Whether it is their lower back pain, the confusing process of putting on an animal harness or the belief that their dog is a tiny person, older ladies refuse to consistently put a leash on their dogs. What they will do however is scream the dogs name over and over and over again from a distance. The dog of course will pay no attention as he/she crosses into traffic to smell a smell on the other side of the road. the dog has near death experiences regularly but the "cruelty of the leash", robs the dog of his dignity, so it remains in the older lady's pocket, should a "real emergency" ever arise.

O.L.W.S.D's are deathly afraid of salt. When they are shopping they pay close attention to the amount of sodium in everything. If they ever get french fries they always ask for them unsalted and when they arrive to order they will always claim to taste salt. If they are eating Asian food it will always have too much MSG or soy sauce, even if there is none in the dish.The reason they can't eat salt is because it makes them feel bloated. They will tell you how much salt makes them expand between bites of kielbasa and sips of diet coke. They will tell you, every time they see you, every time they encounter salt. Even when someone else is eating it, they will regale you with stories about their difficulties with salt.
OLWSD love brown bread with 17 kinds of birdseed in it. What the hell happened to bread? What's so wrong with a nice wheat bread with a little dusting of oats on the top? Wasn't the original plan of bread to break up grains, smooth them out and make a delicious base for which to put butter on, eat with soups or construct sandwiches? How is four pounds of sunflower seeds and pine nuts enhancing my tuna fish sandwich?

Aging: OLWSD are not afraid of aging. You see, they are older, they are wiser they see the beauty in all things. When they were young they felt they had to compete, now they can just relax and enjoy all of the little details in life. That is until you hear a weak crying sound coming from a Dairy Queen bathroom and you send you sister in law to check it out. There she finds an older lady bubbling over with sadness about the despair of life. Where did all the time go?

I'll tell you where it went, it went into the latest fad diet. "Are ya on the Atkins?" "Are ya on the southbeach?" are you eating according to your blood type? are you eating according to your body type? Are you eating according to you career type? Are you on the peanut butter diet, the pancake diet, the lock your fridge and hide your car keys diet? Yes, she's tried them all. Some of them have even worked for a while but they generally end in regression.

Are you sick? let me consult the OLWSD handbook to help you deal with that. Apparently getting some sun heals every disease, even skin cancer. Yep, you are sick because you are sitting inside and not incorporating enough Ra in your life. If that doesn't work then they'll try backing a truck load of vitamin C into your pie hole. Nothing like that gritty, sandy orangey taste of vitamin C pills, kinda reminds me of the toothpaste at the dentist. The contradiction with this point is that OLWSD's are themselves hypochondriacs. They are constantly convinced the are dying. Any malady is capable of, and certainly will send them to the morgue. Worse they extend this sense of hypochondria to their small dogs. They become convinced that when they are sick they are dying and when the dog is sick it is dying. In most cases, neither of them are actually even sick.

Finally Old ladies with small dogs do not possess self awareness. It could be called narcissism if their brains were not like swiss cheese and they remembered the last offensive thing that they said. Their conversations are a string of mildly upsetting insults with no discernible tact to preserve the feelings of present company. They have no problem identifying and pointing out your flaws but should you return the favor it is not uncommon for them to burst into tears and kick you out of their house. 

Simply put, Older ladies are a treasure to behold and I hope in your lifetime you get to meet at least one. I myself have met a few and I consider myself better for it.


  1. You have me concerned now drone, I cannot stand salt, MSG gives me indijestion, I love bread with seeds in it, have just decided to go on a diet, and I will be out in garden at the first sign of sun.
    I have never cried over the passing of time, I thought I was fighting the ageing process quite well, until I read this.
    Only thing is I haven't got a small dog.

  2. Not quite.
    I do have three cats though - crazy old cat lady is where I'm headed I think.