Thursday, March 24, 2011

Too Close For Comfort


I was sitting in my fortress of solitude (my car) waiting on my wife. It was going to be a while so I brought a couple of car magazines. I had the window rolled down slightly, just enough so that a soft breeze could blow in. The air keeps the cabin fresh and cool and stops the windshield from fogging up. I also brought an assortment of old cd's. It's not often I get the opportunity to listen to the crappy music from my youth and on this day I planned to take advantage. 

I scoped out a parking space up high on the hill. Far away from the choice parking spaces near the building and quite a distance from the stairs, I found a juicy spot. To my left and to my right there were two empty spaces. Down below there were several empty spaces for any newcomers to park in. Yes, finally I had planned it all out, a few moments of peace, just me, my music and some time to think.

Just as I began to read about the new Dodge Charger engine and rock out to my tunes I felt a slight vibration from the road beneath me. Then, I heard a distant hum that grew in intensity. I didn't want to look up for fear of manifesting something I didn't want to see, but it was too late. I looked to my left and watched some dude in a white two door Honda Civic park directly beside me.

First off, who just parks next to another car in an otherwise empty row of cars? Men have an unwritten rule about using public urinals and that rule is that you must be at least 1 urinal apart at all times. Simply for cosmetic reasons there is no reason to park directly next to a car. Why risk getting your doors or mirrors smashed by a doofy inconsiderate human? Regardless, I excused the obviously ignorant dude for his mistake and tried to refocus on my article, but then it happened. 

He just stayed there. He didn't fucking move. Some asshole is going to come to my clearly marked off space in an empty parking lot and park directly beside me? Then he's not going to get out and leave his car, he is going to sit there and move in on my space?!

What happens at this point is that I begin to hear him fiddling with his radio, which reminds me that he can hear my music. Now I become ultra aware of what I'm listening to and I can no longer enjoy my music. So I begin to turn the music down but that doesn't work. Frantically I roll up the window to try to reestablish some privacy. But the moment is ruined. Now I'm convinced that he's looking over at me when I'm not looking. I start asking myself stupid questions. "Did you just pick your nose?" "Are you sure?" 

I become obsessed with this guy sitting in his parked car beside me. I begin to wonder what possessed him to park beside me. I begin to wonder what possess him to make other decisions in life.I desperately want to knock on his window and say "Did I look lonely, is that why you are here?" or "Why didn't you just back out and move a spot over?"or better yet "Why didn't you just park in the lower deck?" Perhaps I'd ask "What compels the universe to send people wherever I am so that I cannot ever get a moments peace to think clearly!!!!"

But I asked none of these questions and did none of these things. I just sat in my car and became increasingly more nervous. The more nervous I got the more sweaty I got. The more sweaty I got, THE MORE SWEATY I GOT! After about 20 minutes of listening to music on super low volume and madly flipping through the same 3 magazines over and over  he finally left. He didn't pick anyone up, he didn't score any drugs. There was seemingly no reason for him to be there in that time and space other than to annoy me,and let me tell you, it worked. 


  1. That's just wrong; but didn't your Doctor tell you to never leave the house?

  2. i have had this happen to me before as well. i really don't get people.

    it's funny though ... you made me laugh so that's good :)

  3. That is just weird.

    I would've opened all the windows and put on some horrible music LOUD.

  4. I laughed so much at this post. I reminds me of myself on days when I'm feeling down and out. I'm not very good at being around people I don't know at the best of days, but these are the worst.

    What I hate even more though, are the days where I'm pissed at the world and don't care who knows it. Those are the days I roll down my windows and blare my music, flipping people off as I go down the road.

    ...I'm unsatisfied with both of those scenarios. *sigh*

  5. ...maybe he parked next to you to look cool (because he was associated with you) to the surrounding cars. Oh wait, there were no other cars.

    He's a freak. Plain and simple.