Saturday, March 19, 2011

What Came First The Crazy Or The Egg?

Situation: I was sitting idly watching television and not reading or doing anything productive. For the record what I was watching wasn't educational in any way. I was simply wasting my life, moment by moment in front of the television. Suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping on my chamber door. Naturally, I was frozen with fear. Who could it be knocking on my door? Was it the police, would I become the victim of mistaken identity and be arrested and taken to jail? Was it my landlord? did she finally have a verdict on what she thought about the illegal pets that I have been harboring in my apartment? Worse, could it be someone that I know personally who just thought that it would be "fun" to pop by? Whatever the situation, it needed an answer. But I admit, on this occasion my panic got the best of me and I hid in the comfort of the bathroom and waited for the pounding on my door to cease. 

Once it finally did, I mustered up the courage to see if the perpetrator left any evidence behind. Holding my breath I slowly walked to the front door and grabbed hold of the handle. Unlocking the door, I quickly pulled it opened and timidly poked my head outside.  On my doorstep there rested a package from UPS. It seemed that the evil caller that had come to ruin my life was in fact a good doer, come to shower me with gifts.

It was at this point I got to thinking "What the hell is wrong with me?" I have yet in my life to be stabbed or held at gunpoint. At worst as I mentioned I've had to deal with the landlord in a few sticky situations where I've had to lubricate the truth. Other than that, my life is fairly tame. So why then do I dash into the comfort of the bathroom or closet when someone knocks on the door or calls on the phone? Simply put, I'm a little crazy.

 I believe however that my form of crazy is justifiable. You see even though my interactions with humans are fairly pedestrian and not conventionally scary, they aren't good either. Every phone conversation I've ever had is someone trying to get me to help them work through a computer problem. If not that then they are requesting that I drive 40 miles and jump start their car or fix a flat. If not that then I am timidly trying to arrange a job interview over the phone whereby I have to disguise my lack of experience in the field and pretend that my references are real.

In real life, my interactions with people who come to my door are the same. Every knock on the door is a problem. A plumber frantically bangs on my door because the toilet of the guy below exploded and there is shit everywhere. Since we are on the same system the plumber has to hurriedly come in and prevent a geyser of poop from exploding out of my bathtub drain. Or it's someone asking me to move the car, donate to X charity, join X religion etc. Besides the one occasion when the UPS guy came bearing gifts, there is nothing that the outside world has unexpectedly thrust on me that is good. Because of this, I see no reason to go outside or anticipate good things. For people like me anticipating good things is like not bracing for a punch, it just hurts a lot more and you go down faster. 


  1. The only time I answer my door is when I know its the postman and I've been busy on ebay. Friends know to shout through the letterbox.

    And I dont answer my phone if it doesn't register with caller ID, and even then apart from a couple of people I let voicemail get it so I can see what they want first.

    We're all a bit crazy, it helps.

  2. where the hell do you live?
    has to be a city, no?

    sounds "normal" to me...

    but then again- i'm touched