Saturday, May 7, 2011

Guy Who Rocks The Block At 8 A.M.

Apparently it is theme week and as such I bring you the third installment of people that I find annoying.

Everyone knows the guy who rocks the block. He generally drives a piece of shit Nissan Sentra (otherwise known as a Nissan Sentra) and has his trunk filled with amps and bass speakers. You will recognize him first by the loud rattle of his thin trunk lid that hasn't been insulated to counteract the violent rumbling from his bass speakers. As he gets closer you will involuntarily shit your pants once or twice due the gravity of the bass pounding on your internal organs. Finally, you'll generally see a white kid age ranging from 17-25 wearing one of those over sized ball caps with a large unbent bill. He will be wearing a velour tracksuit in a soft pastel color accompanied by an array of silver necklaces. 

If you catch him at a stoplight his music of choice is something from the slim shady catalog or one of the many black artists that are a part of the same production company. Every once in a while he'll be searching for a particular track on his mix cd and accidentally come across one that he put on there for his girl. His finger will desperately try to mash the skip button but the cd takes too long to access the next track and his tough gangsta facade is ruined by accidentally blasting a verse of Plain White T's Hey There Delilah.

We all know why Guy Who Rocks The Block is doing it. He has very few friends, is obviously poor or jobless. His taste in music suggests that he is stupid and stupidity generally leads to being uncharismatic. What then can he do to get the attention of other people? Blast music loudly until others say "Where the fuck is that music coming from and why won't that obnoxious asshole turn it off? In his mind it is a win because you are paying him attention something you wouldn't otherwise have done if not for his terrible music invading your ear holes. 

Believe it or not, Guy Who Rocks The Block at 8 A.M. is a different and sometimes more evolved version of GWRTB. The 8 A.M. block rocker is usually in his 30's. He often has a Pontiac Fiero or a 1980's corvette. He has been up all night doing blow and congregating with cheap prostitutes. Now he's on his way home but he doesn't want the party to end. He puts the top down so that his Michael Bolton mullet (long in the back nothing up front) curly locks can wisp in the wind. His music of choice? anything AC/DC but it's a special treat if he can find Guns n' Roses Welcome to the Jungle or Sweet Child O' Mine.

Another version of GWRTB @8AM is a rather new development. He is in his late 20's and he has just become part of the corporate world. His salary is big enough that he can afford to make payments on a 2 year old VW jetta. Even though he has bought into the corporate world he will be damned if the man is going to keep him down. When he leaves the house in the morning he leaves his white collared shirt unbuttoned. On his feet are a pair of Airwalks skate shoes. In one hand he has his briefcase, in the other his tie and his keyless entry remote. He will eventually have to suit up and become one of the faceless zombies but right now, this is his time rebel. His music is generally something of the hardcore punk nature. Anything with simple guitar licks, pounding drum beats and lyrics about anarchy and there being no future will do. By rocking the block in the morning he is both getting himself psyched up to whore himself out for 8 hours and letting the world know that even though he is part of the system, that he's NOT PART OF THE SYSTEM!!!

Finally of course Guy who rocks the block at 8 A.M. could still be that same shit head who does it the rest of the day he just does it in the morning when people are trying to sleep because he is that pathetic. Just a note to everyone who is listening, Giant car stereos were cool in the 90's when no one had them and people were both impressed/shocked by the sounds that came out of them. These days car stereos are as pedestrian and annoying as car alarms. Please save your money and put it toward a college education. Thanks. 


  1. we don't get this dork in our hood ... i'm living in an area that seems like nobody else does ... and if they do, you don't see them out of their homes ... they never leave ... but it sure is quiet :)

  2. sounds like my kind of neighbourhood.

  3. I'm glad you've explained it all. Now I know I need not be afraid of such people. They're just annoying but harmless, right?

  4. Thank god I do not live in neighborhood with people like this.

  5. I live opposite a version of this fella.

    He is 'I Just Passed My Test And Mummy And Daddy Bought Me A Car' guy.

    A few days ago he left the house at about 9 and someone shouted "turn that fucking crap down".
    Dunno who it was but I love him.

  6. thank god, i was starting to think i was the only one.

  7. I can't rock the block, 'coz then I won't hear when my car stalls. it's a piece of shit.

  8. Our one is a lazy fuck. He can't get up at 8AM. So, I have to put up with him in the afternoon.

    This guy sounds Pretty Fly for a White Guy.

    Hoping people get the song reference.

  9. bwwoohhaaahahahahaaa.
    guy who rocks the block- amazing phrasing drone.

    i was driving on the highway years back, and was directly behind a dumbass gwrtb. he was rocking so hard and loud- in his honda- that MY windows were shaking. not cool. he had on a visor- the white-chocolate accessory of the time, and hung from his rear-view mirror were at least 531 vanillaroma flavored tree "air fresheners" which, to this day- if i think about it, i can TASTE. barf.

    gwrtb ALWAYS has little tree air fresheners.

    preferred flavors:
    1] vanillaroma {puke}
    2] black ice {wtf?}
    3] pine

  10. Let me just add to Violet's reply below, they have another favorite fragrance for their cars,
    THE NEW CAR Scent. Ewww ... His car could be 8 years old but still has the scent.
    Don't even get me starting on the Boom Boxes.
    XD hahahaha

  11. I forgot how much I covet Michael Bolton's old hair.

  12. I realize thy this comment has nothing to do with your post, but I have a quick question I'd like to ask you: I was on the Help Forum in the Coffee Shop and heard that you reviewed people's blogs and critiqued them. Do you still do this? If you do, (and still enjoy it) I would really like to hear what you have to say about mine. I apologize for the lack of relevance to your post. Please let me know if you get the chance.

  13. I'm lucky to live in a quite little town, the only time I see people like this is when I'm in the bigger cities!