Sunday, November 13, 2011

How To Drive Your Porsche

As Peter Parker's uncle put it "With great power comes great responsibility." Upon first glance it might be difficult to see the correlation between Spiderman and a Porsche driver yet, they are in their essence the same thing. Peter Parker was an every man who was transformed by a spider bite into a heroic protector of the weak and innocent.  A Porsche owner by virtue of a key is elevated to a level of prestige and envy untouched by most. The problem that arises with many Porsche drivers however is that they are oblivious to the unstated duties of driving a German crafted sports car. Besides having the funds to pay the astronomical price tag, a Porsche owner is obligated to uphold an image of class and unobtainable superiority. People who see a Porsche drive by shouldn't feel jealous, instead they should look upon it with reverence and eagerly get out of the passing lane.

Sadly, inside North America and I imagine many countries all over the world Porches are being passed over with cursory glances that were once reserved for Fords Buicks and Dodges. This loss of image is directly related to a deflated sense of mystique which is directly related to a dwindling adherence to the rules of driving a Porsche. Should you ever find yourself among the 1% and you stumble across this blog please read the following detailed instructions to insure that you are driving your Porsche correctly.

1) Cleanliness: A Porsche must always be clean. Correction, a Porsche must always be spotless. With a cost of 80,000 dollars and up a Porsche is a jewel to behold. You wouldn't wear a scuffed, dinged and dirty watch or necklace so why should you expect anything less for your car? A Porsche is intended for good weather only, not because it can't handle a little bit of rain or snow but because it should be regarded as a toy of excess. Let your four door Mercedes or BMW do the grunt work on the sleet filled salty streets. When the weather is cool and clear, then and only then is it time to let the turbo's rip. If you can't afford to store your Porsche in inclement weather you can't afford to have a Porsche. Also, if you can afford to foot the bill for high octane fuel then you can spare the cost for a monthly detailing.

2) Manner of Dress: You are not a hobo/hobette who stumbled out from your crack den and into the alley where your Porsche was parked. Absolutely no sweat pants. I don't care if you just came from the gym, that is what changing rooms were invented for. The optimal dress is probably business casual, something with movement but enough style to still look important. If you must wear anything else first insure that it is properly tailored or that it is an article of clothing that isn't prominent within the general public. Remember, a t-shirt isn't just a t-shirt if it costs 100 dollars.

3) A Porsche Boxster isn't a Porsche: If you are rich and you have accidentally purchased one of these cars for yourself please immediately throw it in the garbage. If you own a Porsche Boxster thinking that you had finally "made it" sorry, you are still not part of the club. No member of the upper class strives for the bare minimum. The Porsche Boxster is merely a Pyramid scheme that keeps Porsche in business long enough to sell real Porsches to real Porsche owners.

4) Attitude: You are the 1%, the working world aspires to be you. You are not just a king/queen among men, you symbolically represent the dreams of millions of people. Because of this you are not allowed to be in a bad mood when you are driving your Porsche. The desire for many to go on with their lives is fueled by the vain hope that one day they will become someone like you.  Do not crush their lives by getting angry at the barista who forgot your non fat whipped topping. Your tiny burst of road rage or sad frown at the sight of a traffic jam is enough to crack the facade that is holding up the world. Remember, even if nothing is going right in your life, you've still got a Porsche and that ain't so bad.

5) Driving Habits: A Porsche is a high performance machine that has been tested on the Nurburgring in order to tweak it for maximum response in braking, turning and acceleration. A Porsche was not built and was never intended to be a boulevard cruiser. Under no circumstances should you drive the car 15 miles per hour...anywhere. A Porsche should always be driven fast. Speed limits should be regarded as a suggestion rather than an instruction. Because of the unstated requirement to drive fast it is also your duty to pay a small duty fee in the form of speeding tickets. A couple hundred dollars is a pittance to pay in order to tell the rest of the world "I can drive as fast as I want."

 Whether it is a briefcase, a basket of wine and cheeses from the Napa valley or a lady of the evening the passenger seat should always be occupied.  Onlookers don't want to believe that sad, old, lonely men putter around nightclubs in search of gold digging strays. Rather, people want to believe that a Porsche driver has already got it all and if he doesn't have it yet, he is on the short, exclusive waiting list.

Finally, music. If the sound of a high revving engine and turbo whoosh isn't enough for you then please be sure to choose your music wisely. Save the 80's hair bands for your cousin's Camaro. Anything too loud or ostentatious takes away from the importance of the car. Loud noises are devices used by children and people of low intelligence. Like a drunk heckler at a comedy club an overly loud display of music will get people looking at you for all of the wrong reasons.

If you work these five steps into your Porsche driving regimen the world will be a better place for it. Good luck and God bless.


  1. I have never had any desire to own a car until i read this. Good work as usual.

  2. I took your advice and drove all of by boxsters into area swimming pools. It was very cathartic. Thank you, I feel much better. Alas, I forgot the lovely Cinnamon in one of them. I hope she can swim.

  3. In Australia, the classy girlfriend is required to ride in the backseat. The front passenger seat is reserved for your pet kangaroo which must be present at all times. All drivers willingly comply with this as it is uber cool.

  4. Submit this post to Porsche, as a drivers handbook. They may even give you one.

  5. Porsche's give me anxiety. Word Verification word is


  6. I totally agree with you, porsche is like my favorite car.

  7. this post makes me regret NOT buying that vintage mint green porche when i was 18... oh yeah... i didn't buy it because the insurance was over 400 bucks a month... maybe i will look into it again as a fogey!!!

  8. excellent blog... I was thinking along the same lines when I bought my panamera

  9. What bullshit that the boxster is not a true Porsche, You have never driven it, and it is just as much or more than the rest of them

  10. lol my Porsche is covered in FILTH today but it's all good, coz it's filth with memories