Christmas in Oakland

Twas the night before christmas and in front of our house

a crackhead did scurry like a gaunt frantic mouse.

cameras were hung above the windows with care, 

to catch the intruder who soon would be there.

The children had hidden under their beds

fearfully covering their traumatized heads,

and ma in her kevlar and I with my knife

had padlocked the doors and prayed for our life.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

a spraying of bullets a ratta-tat-tata.

Away from the windows I flew like a flash

tore open my mattress and hid all my cash.

The blood on the breast of a now fallen foe

was the streets way of handling a tricky ass ho.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

but a gold donk on dubs rolling up in low gear. 

With a little mean driver, so lively and quick

I knew in a moment it must be Ol' Rick.

More rapid than eagles his posse they came

and he whistled and shouted and called

them by name:

Now Marcus, Now Tyrone

D'Brickashaw and Warren,

On Kobe, On Calbert,

On Deewayne and Clifton.

Take the shit off the porch

take the shit on the walls

then dash away, dash away

dash away all.

They then smoked some leaves and got terribly high

one gangster started dancing, one thought he could fly.

so up to the housetop the gangster he flew,

with bags to steal toys, Ol' rick he came too.

And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof,

they passed round a bottle of Jack 90 proof.

As I drew in my head and was turning around,

down the chimney Ol' ricky came with a bound.

He was dressed all in platinum, from his head to his foot,

and his clothes were all covered in bloodstains and soot.

a bundle of guns he had flung on his back

and he looked like a dealer tweaking on crack.

His eyes were like pinpoints, souless and scary

his cheeks were all scabby, his nose like a cherry,

his dry little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

and the beard on his chin was covered in "snow".

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his face,

And he puffed on it lightly as I sprayed him with mace.

He punched me twice in the neck and then in the belly,

which shook as he beat me like a bowl full of jelly.

With tears in my eyes I begged him to stop,

but he silenced my pleas with a swift judo chop.

a wink of his eye and twist of head

let me know as I feared that I soon would be dead.

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,

and filled all his bags up then turned with a jerk,

and laying his finger aside of his nose,

he shot a snot rocket down on my toes,

Then he jumped in his car, to his team gave a call,

and swiftly they left towing their haul.

But I heard him exclaim as he swerved out of sight

"You're damn lucky I didn't kill your whole family tonight."

Merry Christmas Everyone!