A Complaint About Compliments

Blame it on genetics. Blame it on my cold, critical unloving parents. Blame it on my early childhood trauma. For whatever reason, I cannot take a compliment. 


Compliments are a form of praise and praise is approval or admiration. I am not so jaded that I don't think compliments can theoretically exist, I just do not believe that 98% of them are sincere. The first thing that destroys a compliment is if I can find any slight error in the completed work. By completed work, I mean MY completed work. It's not like I go around picking apart other people's work without permission...very much....anymore. Okay! I admit it, I'm a critical bastard.  I find it very difficult to not criticize something if I know of something that is superior. Thankfully, I am most critical of myself so please know that any criticism that escapes outward is returned ten fold inward.


My second problem with compliments is the vague inference that you must return a compliment. "Nice outfit!" "Hey thanks, those shoes are hot!" First off, your shoes are not hot. Secondly, why am I talking about the hotness of someone else's shoes? Third, if you didn't want me to talk about the hotness of your shoes would have mentioned the niceness of my outfit? Probably not. 

Another problem I have with compliments (perhaps this is self created) is that compliments can be used tactically. Imagine that you do not like someone (I know it is hard but pretend) what better way to get them on your side then to pay them faux compliments. By complimenting another person you appeal to their ego/vanity and it makes them feel good, which makes them feel good about you. You on the other hand might still HATE them but they will never know. What this affords you is an upper hand in the relationship and an opportunity to use those good vibes against them at a later date.


It is because of this notion that I am dubious toward all other complimenters in the world. The most frightening of all is the self deprecating complimenter. The self deprecating complimenter is someone who feels comfortable enough to make light of their own short comings while paying you a compliment. If the SDC is sincere then they have low self esteem. However, if their compliment is aggressive and almost boastful of your talent/success then they are threatened/jealous of you. I know this, because I am a self proclaimed SDC.

My final problem with compliments is the inconsistency of the people who give them. Imagine this conversation between you and a friend:


You: Hey did you watch Fight Club yet?
Them: Yeah, it's my second favorite movie of all time!
You: Really? What is your favorite?
Them: Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail


Or


You: Hey, how did you like those ribs that I spent 8 hours cooking in my backyard smoker?
Them: They were great! They were probably the best thing I had since that sandwich I ate last week.
You: Sandwich?
Them: Yeah, I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I dropped it on the floor but it didn't get that dirty because I had just mopped it. Actually now that I think of it, perhaps it was the lemony scent from the Mop and Glo that enhanced the sandwich's flavor.

If someone pays you a compliment and then directly compliments something bad or of poor quality it is difficult to legitimately accept their compliment. How can you feel a boost of approval or recognition when you no longer respect their opinion/ability to judge good from bad? Certainly I could just ignore the potential pitfalls of a compliment but I believe that compliments are directly rooted in judgement. A compliment must be  earned because a compliment earning act/creation is a departure from the norm.


 No one has complimented me on ingesting food or making a bowel movement in a loooong time.  If we are not constantly complimenting each other on adequately completing the mundane realities of life then a complimenter at the very least must be able to discern superior from average. If we are able to legitimately discern good from bad then perhaps it would behoove us to print up some complimentary vouchers in limited numbers to reduce the use of haphazard compliments.

All Appallogies

You can't misspell the word appallogies without the word appall and there is good reason for it. I highly doubt (notice I left a slight window for error here) that any apology ever made in the history of personkind has been sincere. 


First, allow me to clarify. An apology isn't the programmed and direct response you would have when accidentally bumping into a stranger on the street. An apology doesn't occur when you math skills momentarily escape you at a drive thorough window and you short the burger serving technician a quarter. A "real" apology only occurs after you have willfully chosen to say something or participate in an act that you later come to regret. These apologies however are not sincere because we never truly feel regretful of the act. We feel bad that we got caught yes. We feel bad because the person or person(s) we hurt make us feel guilty yes. However, there is no one thing that while we are in the act of doing it do we think of how sorry we will be for doing it. 

How often do we carefully craft a peanut butter and jam sandwich just to throw it in the trash? Was there not a conscious choice to make and eat the sandwich? How often do we speed somewhere in the hope that a cop will pull us over and give us the opportunity to try and apologize our way out of a ticket? Rarely.

If anything, apologies are more often used as devices to escape arguments, scrutiny, lectures or anything else that a truly sorry person would embrace if they actually felt that they had wronged someone. Below I have compiled a list of a few tactical ways of apologizing in order to do anything but reveal remorse. 


The Man Apology: I'm sorry because you are mad.


The Over Apologizer: They apologize about everything almost once per sentence/4 times a paragraph. The over apologizer blurs the lines between reality and apology until you can no longer discern one from the other. The OA apologizes with the same quickness and conviction regardless if they are apologizing about using the last cup of milk or if they killed your parents. The aim of the over apologizer is to make everything seem meaningless.


The Hostile Apologizer/The Thinly veiled Hostile Apologizer: The hostile apologizer apologizes in a threatening way. They may combine the words "I'm sorry" with "What was I supposed to do?" The tactical purpose of this apology is to threaten the other person into accepting their apology through intimidation. The Hostile apologizer is often seen hanging around the Italian community. 

The Thinly Veiled Hostile Apologizer: more common among the female community and often found at retail stores. They are marked by their crazy eyes with an otherwise stoic face. Often they will be heard using the expression: "Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way." Loosely translated it means "Get the F&%K out of my store.

The Avoiding Judgement Apologizer: "I'm sorry but the meatloaf might be bad tonight. I ran out of several important ingredients chief among them, meat."


The Reduced Sentence Apologizer: "I'm sorry I killed your entire family and ate their corpses but if possible I'd like to be paroled in 10-15 years. Kthanks buh."

The Excuse To Say Something Horrible a.k.a The Simon Cowell Apologizer: Self explanatory.

The Manipologizer: The Manipologizer only apologizes for something that they did in the past when they want you to do something for them right now. Sadly, the thing that they want you to do "right now" is the very thing that they will be apologizing for the next time that they want you to do something "right now." 


Unless the next apology you hear starts with the phrase: "I'm an asshole, you caught me and I hope you still love me enough not to kick me out of the house" chances are that person is tactically apologizing. All apologies are appalling manipulations employed to trick you out of making logical decisions about an individual's behavior.