Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Unrealistic Love Songs

I recently had the misfortune of hearing some American Idol contestants sing a Bruno Mars song called Grenade. Before I tear off into a tangent about what a talentless hack that guy is I'll stick to my point. The lyrics I heard being sung were as follows:

I'd catch a grenade for ya,
Throw my hand on a blade for ya,
I'd jump in front of a train for ya,

First off, I'd like to test this theory on Bruno Mars but more importantly is this sentiment really true?  I think claiming to be heroic and so deeply in love with someone that you have no regard for your own life sets an unrealistic standard. Sure you'll catch a grenade, but will you take the dog out for a shit at six in the morning, every morning? Sure you'll jump in front of a train, but will you cook breakfast and drive the kids to school?. It seems to me like Bruno Mars is trying to get away from this woman any way possible. Who else would be so eager to jump in front of a train unless they were contemplating suicide? Please stop making your wish for the death the reason why millions of husbands and boyfriends are punished for being insensitive. Realistically speaking:

I'd run away from a grenade screaming wit cha!,
Cut up some veggies with a blade for ya,
I'd inform you from a safe distance that a train is coming and you are on the tracks
for ya!  

Isn't the divorce rate up to over 50% now? Does that not imply that most people in relationships are eager to do significantly less than their partner expects of them? I wonder if Bruno Mars in his post coital refractory period feels the same way about his honey. Let's check back in on ol' Bruno in six months and see how many trains he's fixing to jump in front of for a woman's love.

Another song you might remember from a decade or so ago is called Everything I do I do it for you by Bryan Adams. If you haven't heard it, all you need to know about the song is the title. Everything you do, you do it for her? really? So that bulky toilet clogging dump you took after eating some stale Chinese food, you did that for her? You wore the same clothes and didn't shave or bathe for 3 days after you got fired, for her? You slept with your much hotter secretary over a period of 11 months, for her?

I'm all for being loving and treating a lady right but as I already mentioned, making grand promises only sets you up for failure later. Just tell the girl that you love her. Perhaps you'd walk 500 miles and then walk 500 miles more for a girl but I suspect after you make a good first impression you'll resort to a more sensible form of transportation the next time.

1 comment:

  1. i'll leave some noodles on the stove for you,
    i'll buy an extra jelly-roll for you,
    i'll share a blankey when it's cold for you,
    i'll even smoke a bowl with you.

    much more realistic.
    what does bruno know anyway? guys named bruno aren't even human. martian?

    you decide