Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Super Mario Brothers is a Little Racist



I was recently rebeating (that's right, replaying all the way through) New Super Mario Bros Wii. I came to realize that over the last year or two I have become exponentially better at video games. If you want to be great like me, you'll need to develop these 3 skills:

1) Be unemployed
2) Have no friends
3) Develop Agoraphobia

If you acquire these talents you will be slaying dragons, zombies and raiding enemy bunkers in no time. Anyway, back to my point:

The entire purpose of Super Mario Bros is preventing an interracial relationship. Sure, Bowser is a dragon but that doesn't mean that he is undeserving of love. Perhaps if princess Peach opened up her heart instead of shaking with fear she might be able to see Bowser's inner beauty. Maybe Bowser is just reacting to feelings of abandonment and isolation. Perhaps his anger is a cry for help, a cry that perpetually goes unnoticed every time that Mario mashes the release button and drops Bowser into the burning lava.

The second and most crucial piece of evidence is the Goomba. Sure we've drawn the conclusion that a Goomba is a derogatory term for an Italian and thus the Goomba is Italian but look a little closer. The Goomba has a dark skin pigment. The Goomba is shaped like a large phallus with feet. Further, the Goomba is a foot solider and the first line of attack against Mario. They are given the worst resources possible and expected to succeed. In addition even though the Goomba shows great loyalty to Bowser, he rarely if ever is allowed inside the castle walls.


To add insult to injury the Goomba is slow and slow witted. Sadly, he is commonly squashed when he is just standing around minding his own business. Even sadder he often helps Mario to jump to new heights or to avoid dangerous deaths by being under foot. These armless penis's with feet watch helplessly as Mario stomps on them and collects all the coins. Does Mario ever come back and spread the wealth around? No, he just sits at home eating Princess Peaches pie and counts his fat stacks of coins.


Finally, Yoshi. There is no better example of slavery than Yoshi. As soon as his egg hatches Mario leaps onto his back. If you compare their sizes Mario is not much smaller than Yoshi. What the game player doesn't see is the little club that Mario invariably whacks Yoshi with every time that he complains "Get off me you fat ass plumber." Further, Yoshi is a conscious being. He has conversations with Mario and writes him notes. It is not as if he is some dumb animal that Mario has trained to do his bidding. Yoshi has been born into slavery and kept there through violence and psychological brainwashing. I say psychological brainwashing because it is apparent that Yoshi is delighted to see Mario every single time. Stockholm Syndrome anyone? Once Mario's "friend" has served his purpose he is quickly discarded and shares in none of the spoils of war.


11 comments:

  1. you may want to look up the difference between race and species. Bowser and Princess would be an inter-species relationship, not an inter-racial one.
    Also, holy racism robin.

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  2. This very thing has been argued in many circles. It is alleged that bowser has had children with Princess Peach (by force) an act that would not be possible if they were not the same species. Perhaps bowser is merely a mutant strain of whatever Mario is. Afterall, he does speak English.

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  3. The characteristics you impose on Goomba and then point to him being a black man makes it offensive, not the game, but this is where your mind went.

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  4. I imposed no such characteristics I just brought them to light. Offensive? probably, but this is the fine line you must walk when crafting comedy.

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  5. Don't mind those two....they just have sand in their vaginas.

    I thought that shit was funny, yo.

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  6. I never thought about these haha but nice post. I love playing Mario :) such fun classic games

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  7. it is a game simple as that. and you trying to point out racist things about it to me looks like a grab towards attention.

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  8. thanks tom, you really put things into perspective for me. i think i had a moment.

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  9. Didn't you know this in your childhood that Japan has been the most homogenous society in existence? I'm not surprised.

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  10. remind me back my childhood memories.. nice post.. :)

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