Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Complaints and Observations

On a daily basis I try to come up with ideas for things to write about and most of them get left on the cutting room floor but not today! I've collected a couple weeks worth of burnt offerings and I am going to give each idea the two sentences that they deserve.

1) Having great ideas when you are about to go to sleep.

I dislike that brains work best at conjuring ideas when you have just laid down to go to sleep. I suspect the thought nerve is connected to the "I've got to pee now" nerve. There are no two things that I've had to do more before falling asleep then run to the bathroom or jot something down on paper. One time in a sleepy stupor I may have confused the two.

2) The minds ability to make anything scary in a dream

Recently I had a dream and in that dream I had run out of Raspberry Jam. For some reason it was a crisis. I didn't need the jam for any recipe. In the dream I was not starving nor was I giving the gift of Smuckers to someone as a present. Yet, I was filled with this great fear and a bottomless sense of loss for not possessing some jam. 

3) Why are people terrible at interpreting and answering direct questions?

Have you ever sent an email to someone and asked three questions that you think are essential to the success of the day that you and another person are going to collaborate on?

Me: Hey, we have to make that cake together for Grandpa's 84th birthday so I need to ask you a few questions:

1) He's diabetic, so did you get the Splenda or do I have to drop by the store and get it on the way?
2) I was thinking of coming over either at 10-12 in the morning or 2-4 in the afternoon because I have an appointment from 12-2, which works best for you?
3) What did you make for the potluck dinner so that I don't bring the same dish?

Their Response: That sounds good, I'll see you then.

Wait! what the hell just happened? Did I not just ask three different questions of which the success of the day relies on you answering them? What enrages me most about this situation is that people never blow off your questions because they've got the situation "handled" What happens as a result of the person not answering the questions is this: I arrive at 10 am at their house with Splenda in one hand and Swedish Meatballs in the other. The person who I have come to collaborate with is not yet awake. By the time they get in the shower and get ready it is almost twelve o'clock. So now I either have to blow off my appointment or run all the way across town to get there and then come all the way back afterward and make a cake for the remainder of the day with this dolt. And of course they will have an abundance of Splenda and Swedish Meatballs already at their house. If I would have brought neither they would have had neither and they would have had the excuse "But you said in your email you were going by the store to pick some Splenda up."

4) Scientists that do not consider future ridicule when they name things. 

Here's the deal when you are a teenager you get zits. Zits are a result of the clogging of your pores which I believe is helped in part by the production of sebum. That's right, if you've got seabum all over your face you're probably going to have acne. Is there any worse term to arm Junior Highschool kids with than sebum? If you're not following my drift, it sounds too much like semen. Why could the science crowd have not just named it zitius juicius. For the record I don't want to hear the actual explanation about how it's liquid composition is similarly based to that of semen. The point is, you do not give young kids in groups dangerous words like that unnecessarily unless you are trying to incite chaos. 

5) Carrot Cake

I used to eat carrot muffins. The best part about carrot muffins or carrot cake is not the carrots. It is whatever spices and brown sugar and blah blah good ingredients that are in them. Well, recently someone made a boxed carrot cake and said "look what I made, a carrot cake!" I was delighted in fact, I think I asked to take half of the cake home with me to which they obliged. Well, just as they were cutting the cake up I noticed something, giant rounds of carrot slices inside the cake. I asked "Where did all that carrot come from?" to which they replied "I put extra carrots in the cake!" "Hmm...how nice I remarked." Let me tell you, box cakes are hard to screw up. Even if you burn it, I'll still scrape off the burnt parts and eat the rest, but let me tell you this carrot cake was awful. First off, the carrots were unwashed and so the entire cake tasted like dirt. Secondly, the cake had CARROTS CHUNKS IN IT! The carrots themselves were still crunchy, Third, the cake was dripping wet. The person who made the cake didn't even dry out the carrot slices so all of the water  leaked into the cake making it taste like one big, soggy, lump of dirt. This just in, the last time I ate a mud pie was when I was three! disgusting.

Okay guys, that's it for this round, see you next garbage day.


  1. Ewww...whole carrots in cake? Nasty shit.

  2. Carrots should never even be in the presence of cake, much less inhabit one. Cake is good. Carrots are for rabbits and hamsters.

  3. i ALWAYS have the best ideas when i'm driving. so i'll get all excited and think about how i'm not going to forget this epic idea. and then I EFFING FORGET THIS BRILLIANT IDEA!

  4. When I'm out and about around town I write things down on receipts in short form and put them in my wallet, then I get home and read it: "Goat milk, raptor, spigot, scarecrow." and I think to myself what the hell am I talking about.

  5. my brain is always too active at bedtime. so i do a crossword to stop it twirling, then i read a book to keep it down and by that point, the sleep pills knock me out :)

  6. Carrot cake is normally so delicious. How could someone do that to a carrot cake? Just awful.

  7. That carrot cake was a metaphor for my entire life.

  8. I hate to break it to you, but your friend with the carrot cake is a ruhtard.
    funny blog, which is rare.

  9. I know what you mean about people being unable to answer direct questions.

    It's happened to me a few times, and I can confirm that it is ANNOYING!

  10. Contrary to popular belief, your Blog is ALWAYS funny. Not rare.
    I get ideas when I'm in the shower. It's like you are waiting for a stupid call that never comes, so it might be good to take a shower now, and the phone fucking rings.
    I get out of the shower, I lost my idea and the phone stops ringing.

  11. Drone, you must always be laughing inside because you are one funny person :)

    love your banner

    love your blog

  12. Carrots are nasty...even when they're not in cake.

    My "bright" ideas always come to me as I lay down to sleep, while I'm driving, when I'm not by a computer, or anything. To solve this dilemma, I actually text myself my ideas. I just went through my phone and was, like, "What the heck does 66 and TV have to do with anything?" I guess I should write more elaborate notes to myself.

    And, whoever replied to your email would be perfect for a beauty pageant.

  13. the climax in number three had me laughing my ass off because my relatives do that crap to me all the time...it is so true...and you are so funny

  14. Ooohhh... sorry about your carrot cake life, then. At least you know how to make it funny.