Monday, April 11, 2011


Dear quitter,

I'm glad that you on a better track in life. I'm glad that you put down the crack pipe, bottle, cigarettes, caffeine or the cheeseburger. I'm enthused that you are taking the steps toward changing your life and righting the course of your future. Do me a favor though, shut up about it. 

I once had a friend and he was addicted to smoking. After several attempts over several years he was finally successful in stopping. A few days after he quit I was riding shotgun in his car when we slowly drove by another car in two lane traffic. One of the two ladies in the car was smoking and she had the window cracked. My friend noticed the smoker and his happy content smile turned to twisted rage. He put his head out the window and barked "Cigarettes are fucking disgusting!" You mean the ones that you were chain smoking a week ago, those are disgusting? You mean the thing that dictated much of your social life for 8 years, those things are disgusting to you? I'm not arguing that cigarettes are bad, of course they are. It was just that I, a non smoker didn't even notice that the person was smoking whereas a former smoker did, and he had a shit fit about it.

Dear former abuser,

I don't interpret your vile exuberance as a sign of strength against your former addiction. I suspect that you are trying to ward off your own demons and the only way to do that is to be overly judgmental and condescending to the thing you fear the most. I see through the facade that you want to inspire others to put down the burrito. Idle hands are the tool of the devil, and if you weren't preaching to me the gospel of gluten free then you would be gobbling down goobers and gummy bears. Gain some control in your own life and when you do then come back and rejoin society.

 I don't want to walk on eggshells around you and be fearful of bringing up a topic that you and going to go on an isolating self righteous rant about. Spare me the awkward pause and stare when I take a bite of cookie or a swig of coke. If someone asks for your advice because they respect your success and decisions in life be ready and willing to provide it, otherwise just keep it quiet. The rest of us in the muck and mire are having enough trouble making it through our daily lives without your incessant chirping from atop Mount Pious.


  1. As a quitter of cigarettes,
    a woman on a constant diet,
    an occasional abuser of alcohol,
    I promise to keep my "incessant chirping"
    to a bare minimum.
    you always cheer me up Drone Ta!

    ps What is a goober?

  2. Amen brother, A-FUCKING-MEN!

  3. @kiki goobers are chocolate covered peanuts. goober is also a slang term for an idiot.

  4. Oh hell yeah. Rip it Drone, tell those "ex"-Men/Women to toe the line.
    Let other people roll the way they want to. And if this reminds anybody of what their life used to be, unless otherwise consulted, just STFU!

  5. I don't know, I can see both sides of it. Something I was so headstrong about once in my life, like my religious beliefs, I did a complete turnaround with. I'm almost reluctant to talk about things like this to people, especially the people who knew me back then. But that's how life goes, things change and we change.

    For me it boils down to stating your opinions in general. There's a right time and wrong time, and also a lot of grey in between. And pushing an opinion on someone else is always aggravating unless a debate was established to begin with.

    Good writing, I like your posts.

  6. @mike: it sounds like you just realized you were a pompous ass at some point in your life and quit it. bravo, now just don't go around talking about how you used to be pompous ass and we're golden. :)

  7. Ex-smokers are the worst. They remind me of people who suddenly 'get' religion.

    I have a friend who was addicted to coke, to the point his whole life was about getting the next line. He has now quit and his whole life and every conversation is about not getting smashed. I preferred him when he was off his face, at least he wasnt boring. He is now.

  8. Ouch, well I'll try to keep my demons at bay when commenting, but no promises. ;)

  9. x-smokers are worst ... dirty has it right.

    i'm a non-smoker, but i tend to be up there with the ex-ers in attitude towards smokers