Disclaimer: If you don't agree with the gross generalizations I make in this post or if you are an exception to them please feel inclined to withhold that information from me.
This post is for the troops!
Allow me to disclose something, I am a coward. Like many other socially awkward introverted hermits I marvel in dreams of being heroic. However, if the opportunity ever presented itself in real life I would probably just scream and urinate in my pants until the threat was forced to vacate the area to escape the wailing and stench of my piss. I am not a fan of war but if we have to rape and pillage a country every couple of years so that I can continue to get a 99 cent burrito from taco bell, so be it. I admire people who serve in the military. Whether they do it because they were preyed on and recruited due to their lack of education/income or because they are legitimately brave I am glad that someone who is not me is willing to stand in front enemy gunfire. I want to be clear before we move on that my following criticism is in no way related to the military.
Recently I was watching a television show where they take a shitty car and convert it into a freshly painted car in a short period of time. These types of shows are the equivalent to cheap home makeover shows but they involve men and cars and as such allow males to maintain a veneer of masculinity while they watch them. This particular episode involved a Ford pickup truck. In this particular series two competing teams are given the same vehicle and are pitted against each other in a competition to decide who makes the best vehicle in the alloted time.
At some point during the design phase one team decided that they were going to make a vehicle and dedicate it to the troops. Predictably their finished product was a raised up, garish nightmare covered in stars and stripes. First off, I'd like to point out that while most soldiers are probably patriotic that the American flag on its own does not directly show support for the troops. If that was the case then every car, article of clothing or tchotchke that you purchase with an american flag sticker or tag would be in support of the military.
The real reason why anyone on a television show does anything for the troops is because it is a cheap, gimmicky manipulation. On a small scale especially when being judged it gives one team an unfair advantage. To not vote for the car that was made for the troops would be unpatriotic! The contest is no longer about which car is better, it is about which vehicle loves his countrymen more. On a slightly larger scale the television network uses it as a cheap ploy to tug on your heartstrings and get more viewers to watch. The show is no longer about the craft of fabrication now it is a communal healing experience. Now it's about all the people who lost their lives in 9/11. Now it's about justice and the symbolic killing of Osama.
So the network has got you hooked and feeling good but are the network execs as patriotic with their advertising? Do they feature only American products during that hour of television or do they still sellout to the highest bidder? Do they donate the proceeds from the episode to the continued medical or psychiatric care of injured soldiers? Will these fleeting haphazard moments of gooey patriotism get crooked Joe out of his wheelchair? He took a bullet in the spine for his country and now he's addicted to painkillers and Jack Daniels to ease the suffering. Are you going to to wheel his contorted body into frame, hands covered in bruises from beating his wife because he can no longer stifle the pain of losing his entire life at such an early age? probably not. The people who put this shit on television and exploit the military for monetary gain would never pick up a gun and defend you or their country. Don't be fooled into believing that a small collection of greedy assholes care about or value your contribution to freedom in any way.
It occurred to me very recently while somebody was making a declaration that they are vegetarian, that anybody who makes a declaration is a douchebag. Allow me to list a few examples before I go on a rant.
1) I am a Christian...douchebag 2) I don't watch television...douchebag 3) I drive a Prius...douchebag 4) I am an animal rights activist...douchebag
Let me be clear, none of these things I listed above are bad things however, the simple gesture of having to announce it to people is what makes you a douchebag.
I'm glad that you are vegetarian or that you are eating raw foods only. I'm glad that you have discovered the virtue of grain and it is enhancing your life. In fact, I might even ask you for a recipe sometime. When you announce to everyone that you are a vegetarian however you are making a statement and that statement is "I am superior because I am not doing what everyone else is doing."
I've mentioned this before but not watching television does not make you superior to people who do watch television. In fact, the majority of people who "do not watch television" are at once stupid and tragically boring. There is a misconception in todays world that by not doing something we are somehow more virtuous or more intelligent. The truth could be no further from this idea. FYI television can be educational, it can also teach us how to socialize, relate and plug in with society. The greater that one can understand society and its wants and needs, the greater one can understand themselves and their own origins, thoughts and feelings. Just because stupid people are put on display on television does not mean that the viewer is a) as stupid as them or b) stupid in general because they are watching. Your pompous declaration that you do not watch television is a warning to me that you are simultaneously boring and out of touch.
People only tell you that they are Christian or religious in order to push a religious agenda. For the record, I can't confirm if there is a god or if there isn't but I can confirm that most people who declare themselves Christians are assholes. A declaration of Christianity is again a statement of superiority. "I have found the answer, I am on the winning team. And just so you know, christ is part of my daily life and every decision that I make."
I drive a Prius: "I am saving the world because my car get's twice the gas mileage of a regular car"............douche.
I am animal rights activist. Again, what are they really saying is: "I am a compassionate individual who cares about little helpless creatures that can't defend themselves." There is a hidden implication in that statement and it is: "Why aren't you?" What? I am a compassionate individual who cares about helpless creatures I just don't feel it necessary to announce it whenever I see people. By blabbing your business all over town you are seeking approval and admiration for a gesture that was supposed to be made out of compassion. Now this same gesture has become your tool of condescension and passive judgement. Well, I judge you and you are a douchebag.
Finally the last group I am omitting is the on the spot declarative douche. Let's say a relative is over at your house and they have a long drive ahead of them and they ask: "Do you have any coffee?" You scrounge around in the cupboard for five minutes and say "Yeah I do, but it's instant coffee." To which they reply "Instant coffee, I don't drink instant coffee." First off, apparently I do so why don't you have some common decency and withhold the asshole statement. Secondly, if you are too good for instant then you don't really need coffee so go fuck yourself. Lastly, if you don't want to drink instant coffee you can simply refuse with a "That's alright, I guess I don't need a cup too badly." In that instance you are taking the pressure off me by owning the fact that you are refusing what I am offering. However, in the first instance you make it seem as though I am at once offending you by suggesting that you could drink instant coffee on this one occasion (a beverage enjoyed by millions) and that I should feel a sense of shame that I even offered it to you in the first place.
I'm glad that you on a better track in life. I'm glad that you put down the crack pipe, bottle, cigarettes, caffeine or the cheeseburger. I'm enthused that you are taking the steps toward changing your life and righting the course of your future. Do me a favor though, shut up about it.
I once had a friend and he was addicted to smoking. After several attempts over several years he was finally successful in stopping. A few days after he quit I was riding shotgun in his car when we slowly drove by another car in two lane traffic. One of the two ladies in the car was smoking and she had the window cracked. My friend noticed the smoker and his happy content smile turned to twisted rage. He put his head out the window and barked "Cigarettes are fucking disgusting!" You mean the ones that you were chain smoking a week ago, those are disgusting? You mean the thing that dictated much of your social life for 8 years, those things are disgusting to you? I'm not arguing that cigarettes are bad, of course they are. It was just that I, a non smoker didn't even notice that the person was smoking whereas a former smoker did, and he had a shit fit about it.
Dear former abuser,
I don't interpret your vile exuberance as a sign of strength against your former addiction. I suspect that you are trying to ward off your own demons and the only way to do that is to be overly judgmental and condescending to the thing you fear the most. I see through the facade that you want to inspire others to put down the burrito. Idle hands are the tool of the devil, and if you weren't preaching to me the gospel of gluten free then you would be gobbling down goobers and gummy bears. Gain some control in your own life and when you do then come back and rejoin society.
I don't want to walk on eggshells around you and be fearful of bringing up a topic that you and going to go on an isolating self righteous rant about. Spare me the awkward pause and stare when I take a bite of cookie or a swig of coke. If someone asks for your advice because they respect your success and decisions in life be ready and willing to provide it, otherwise just keep it quiet. The rest of us in the muck and mire are having enough trouble making it through our daily lives without your incessant chirping from atop Mount Pious.
