Saturday, April 23, 2011

I Declare You A Douchebag

It occurred to me very recently while somebody was making a declaration that they are vegetarian, that anybody who makes a declaration is a douchebag. Allow me to list a few examples before I go on a rant. 

1) I am a Christian...douchebag
2) I don't watch television...douchebag
3) I drive a Prius...douchebag
4) I am an animal rights activist...douchebag

Let me be clear, none of these things I listed above are bad things however, the simple gesture of having to announce it to people is what makes you a douchebag. 

I'm glad that you are vegetarian or that you are eating raw foods only. I'm glad that you have discovered the virtue of grain and it is enhancing your life. In fact, I might even ask you for a recipe sometime. When you announce to everyone that you are a vegetarian however you are making a statement and that statement is "I am superior because I am not doing what everyone else is doing." 

I've mentioned this before but not watching television does not make you superior to people who do watch television. In fact, the majority of people who "do not watch television" are at once stupid and tragically boring. There is a misconception in todays world that by not doing something we are somehow more virtuous or more intelligent. The truth could be no further from this idea. FYI television can be educational, it can also teach us how to socialize, relate and plug in with society. The greater that one can understand society and its wants and needs, the greater one can understand themselves and their own origins, thoughts and feelings. Just because stupid people are put on display on television does not mean that the viewer is a) as stupid as them or b) stupid in general because they are watching. Your pompous declaration that you do not watch television is a warning to me that you are simultaneously boring and out of touch.

People only tell you that they are Christian or religious in order to push a religious agenda. For the record, I can't confirm if there is a god or if there isn't but I can confirm that most people who declare themselves Christians are assholes. A declaration of Christianity is again a statement of superiority. "I have found the answer, I am on the winning team. And just so you know, christ is part of my daily life and every decision that I make." 

I drive a Prius: "I am saving the world because my car get's twice the gas mileage of a regular car"............douche.

I am animal rights activist. Again, what are they really saying is: "I am a compassionate individual who cares about little helpless creatures that can't defend themselves." There is a hidden implication in that statement and it is: "Why aren't you?" What? I am a compassionate individual who cares about helpless creatures I just don't feel it necessary to announce it whenever I see people. By blabbing your business all over town you are seeking approval and admiration for a gesture that was supposed to be made out of compassion. Now this same gesture has become your tool of condescension and passive judgement. Well, I judge you and you are a douchebag.

Finally the last group I am omitting is the on the spot declarative douche. Let's say a relative is over at your house and they have a long drive ahead of them and they ask: "Do you have any coffee?" You scrounge around in the cupboard for five minutes and say "Yeah I do, but it's instant coffee." To which they reply "Instant coffee, I don't drink instant coffee." First off, apparently I do so why don't you have some common decency and withhold the asshole statement. Secondly, if you are too good for instant then you don't really need coffee so go fuck yourself. Lastly, if you don't want to drink instant coffee you can simply refuse with a "That's alright, I guess I don't need a cup too badly." In that instance you are taking the pressure off me by owning the fact that you are refusing what I am offering. However, in the first instance you make it seem as though I am at once offending you by suggesting that you could drink instant coffee on this one occasion (a beverage enjoyed by millions) and that I should feel a sense of shame that I even offered it to you in the first place.  


  1. Authors note: A carrot is a vegetable, vegetarians eat vegetables. Carrot top is in the first picture. I hope you got that joke.

  2. You should market yourself as a medicinal drug Drone,you allways make me feel better.
    I like Instant coffee the other stuff is to strong.

  3. Ouch man that TV one hurt. I said I do not watch TV because i do not have a cable box. I do watch a ton of TV episodes though on netflix and hulu. Damn drone you succeeded in making myself feel like a Douchebag. Good job.

  4. Carrot Top. Humor. I'm not seeing how these two things are connected.

  5. @kiki: thanks for the compliment. unfortunately I am like one of those drugs that only works for a small group of people while the others get horrible side effects, like diarrhea or death.

    @tom: certainly you knew that watching tv shows on your computer= watching tv. for the record using your television for playing video games also counts. We've all got a little douche in us.

    @adam: haha.

  6. Someone obviously pissed you off by denying what you offered. However this should apply to all jackasses who deny anything you offer in an asshole manner. Not just instant coffee. Especially if they are a guest in your house.

  7. @Yam: Indeed the last example did happen IRL and I wanted you to take the coffee instance and apply it to all things like you said. I'm currently trying to get over the people who ask for a soda and after they crack it open, they don't drink it, so it just sweats all over your table and leaves water damage. If you aren't committed to drinking at least half a can, don't have me serve you.

  8. call me a douche, but, you drink instant coffee?!?


  9. Not exclusively no. But I have drank it before and I will drink if I need to. The point is not about instant coffee.

  10. I love watching TV while eating meat and setting bibles on fire. I put the fires out with puppies.

    I may be an asshole, but at least I'm not a douche!! I WIN!

  11. I put the fires out with puppies.


  12. What if you make a negative declaration, i.e. I'm a smoker, and I like making the air a little bit filthier, or I'm an alchoholic, and I don't see a problem with that.

  13. @Adult: I've never heard any make a negative declaration besides a comedian who is trying to excite a crowd. My initial response was I thought I'd like it but now that I think about it I don't think I would. Even a person making a negative declaration is trying to evoke a response from people. Those of us who are secure with our beliefs don't need to harass other people with it. Rafa above made a declaration but it was prompted by me and it was intended to be funny so he is exempt from what I'm saying.

    Thanks for the probing question :)

  14. Yeah so what about it? I'm neither in your list.
    I'm happy with what I am, but I also know I can do a little better.
    But I honestly steer clear of vegetarians, even that carrot haired dude. I did not climb my way to be at the highest level of the totem pole of the ecological balance just to reduce myself to eating grass. I'll eat everything listed below me that is not poisonous.

  15. I'd be interested in reading what you think makes a person 'good.' Think about it.

  16. @Mike: It takes very little for a person to be "good" The people I like are generally legitimately intelligent, self deprecating, with an awareness of the big picture and a willingness to serve the group before themselves without being ostentatious.

  17. You have a point about the TV thing - I went a long time without watching it (and no I only said as much in the company of people who began every converstion with "did you see....last night")- and while I didn't miss it I did get very out of touch, especially with the news. There were a couple of major things that happened that I had no clue about.

    But then a new series of Shameless started.


    2) people that don't watch tv creep me out. it's like they're little orphan kids stuck up in an attic with no access to society or running water and they're trying to compensate by acting like they really don't want access to society or running water which is a BULLSHIT LIE because "oddities" on scifi is addictive!

  19. I completely agree with everything you wrotem especially the part about TV.

    People who don't watch television might as well be living in the past, this is the twenty-first century and technology like that is an important source!

  20. Hey, guys, I'm a Christian.

    Crap, I guess you now know I'm an a**hole (as if that fact wasn't obvious before I made the Christian statement).

  21. @shanimal be whatever you want. I went to Catholic school until I was 18. As you know, my problem is with pomp not belief. If I was pompous about not believing then I would have to hate myself (more).

  22. Damn. Why are you so funny?


  23. I must agree with you 110%. I love when people say "I don't watch TV, in fact, I don't even own one."
    To which I reply "Well good for you, remind me that I will never accept an invitation of any kind to your house because I am reasonably sure you will serve me cardboard cookies and make me sit on your couch that is covered in plastic while your yorkie humps my leg."

  24. i agree and disagree equally.
    say/do/believe/share whatever information/label you want to about yourself.
    every statement must be taken in context.
    some people just suck ass through a straw and must be eliminated.
    others are amazing and kind and funny and i want them around always.
    is it really what they say- or the egoist intent behind it?
    a douchebag is not exactly defined by diet, finances, faith, or whatever makes them different from you/i.
    if your definition of douchbagery was concrete, i would insist that i be offended, as i fall into some of the above categories... but- alas... i am not upset a bit. i still think you're one funny motherfucker, and i have a thick skin.
    never have i wanted to preach at or condemn an actual person for differences we have between us- that's what blogs are for.
    as for the REAL douches, they just suck more because they are afraid we KNOW they have no soul- and therefor must die.

    the end.


  25. @violet as I stated earlier in the comments it is entirely about the pompous intent behind it. I enjoy taking baseball bats to the facade in attempt to get to what's real. You are entitled to your beliefs, it's the presumption of superior I take issue with not the vegans, christians or insert whatever.

  26. also, like all things the douches have muddied the waters so that we can't tell the difference between the gems and the fools.

  27. If someone asks you for coffee and you spend five minutes searching for it wouldn't you be pissed no matter how they refuse your hospitality, whether it be with "I don't drink instant coffee," or "I don't want it anymore."

  28. @bad ideas: I Completely agree.