I Declare You A Douchebag

It occurred to me very recently while somebody was making a declaration that they are vegetarian, that anybody who makes a declaration is a douchebag. Allow me to list a few examples before I go on a rant. 


1) I am a Christian...douchebag
2) I don't watch television...douchebag
3) I drive a Prius...douchebag
4) I am an animal rights activist...douchebag


Let me be clear, none of these things I listed above are bad things however, the simple gesture of having to announce it to people is what makes you a douchebag. 


I'm glad that you are vegetarian or that you are eating raw foods only. I'm glad that you have discovered the virtue of grain and it is enhancing your life. In fact, I might even ask you for a recipe sometime. When you announce to everyone that you are a vegetarian however you are making a statement and that statement is "I am superior because I am not doing what everyone else is doing." 


I've mentioned this before but not watching television does not make you superior to people who do watch television. In fact, the majority of people who "do not watch television" are at once stupid and tragically boring. There is a misconception in todays world that by not doing something we are somehow more virtuous or more intelligent. The truth could be no further from this idea. FYI television can be educational, it can also teach us how to socialize, relate and plug in with society. The greater that one can understand society and its wants and needs, the greater one can understand themselves and their own origins, thoughts and feelings. Just because stupid people are put on display on television does not mean that the viewer is a) as stupid as them or b) stupid in general because they are watching. Your pompous declaration that you do not watch television is a warning to me that you are simultaneously boring and out of touch.

People only tell you that they are Christian or religious in order to push a religious agenda. For the record, I can't confirm if there is a god or if there isn't but I can confirm that most people who declare themselves Christians are assholes. A declaration of Christianity is again a statement of superiority. "I have found the answer, I am on the winning team. And just so you know, christ is part of my daily life and every decision that I make." 

I drive a Prius: "I am saving the world because my car get's twice the gas mileage of a regular car"............douche.


I am animal rights activist. Again, what are they really saying is: "I am a compassionate individual who cares about little helpless creatures that can't defend themselves." There is a hidden implication in that statement and it is: "Why aren't you?" What? I am a compassionate individual who cares about helpless creatures I just don't feel it necessary to announce it whenever I see people. By blabbing your business all over town you are seeking approval and admiration for a gesture that was supposed to be made out of compassion. Now this same gesture has become your tool of condescension and passive judgement. Well, I judge you and you are a douchebag.

Finally the last group I am omitting is the on the spot declarative douche. Let's say a relative is over at your house and they have a long drive ahead of them and they ask: "Do you have any coffee?" You scrounge around in the cupboard for five minutes and say "Yeah I do, but it's instant coffee." To which they reply "Instant coffee, I don't drink instant coffee." First off, apparently I do so why don't you have some common decency and withhold the asshole statement. Secondly, if you are too good for instant then you don't really need coffee so go fuck yourself. Lastly, if you don't want to drink instant coffee you can simply refuse with a "That's alright, I guess I don't need a cup too badly." In that instance you are taking the pressure off me by owning the fact that you are refusing what I am offering. However, in the first instance you make it seem as though I am at once offending you by suggesting that you could drink instant coffee on this one occasion (a beverage enjoyed by millions) and that I should feel a sense of shame that I even offered it to you in the first place.