This one is sort of self explanatory but in honor of the topic, I will explain it anyway.
Guy who explains things unnecessarily is everywhere, you could say he is everyman. To be fair, some men know their limits and eventually shut the hell up. GWETU is a close cousin to street smarts guy but is an evolved and perhaps more successful form. For all intents and purposes GEWTU might even be your own father so here's how to tell. For the rest of this blog I will refer to GWETU as "G".
"G" fancies himself an intellectual but he lacks what true intellectuals possess and that is important, useful information or in depth knowledge on any topic. "G" does however have plenty of information you already know/don't care about and he is particularly interested in proving his knowledge with or without your consent.
Me: Hey "G" can you pass me that DVD?
G: DVD eh, so you want the ol' digital versatile disc or the ol' digital video disc.
Me: sure.
G: Ya know, before DVD's we used to use VHS tapes.
Me: VHS huh, do you know what that stands for?
G: Nope, but, they did become the predominant form of taped movies edging out betamax back in the day. Heck, some believe it was a superior device, god bless advertisin'. But that was before they had all this new technology. Sheese, you can't even buy a regular light bulb anymore.
Me: Tell me about it.
G: Hey, didja know that the double yew besides the number on a light bulb means watts?
Me: Um, sure.
G: Hmm... all of this chatter has made me hungry could you make me a sammich?
Me: Sure what kind?
G: How's bout peanut butter.
Me: Ok
G: You gotta be careful when you make a peanut butter sammich. You gotta spread the PB smoothly so that both pieces have an even coat, not too thick, not too thin. Say, did you know contrary to popular belief that peanuts don't grow in trees? in fact they grow from a plant underground, thus the name Planters Peanuts.
Me: Really.
G: Indubitably!
This exchange could go on for hours. No indication of boredom, disinterest or annoyance can combat "G" when he is on a roll. You only hope in dismantling the conversation is cutting "G" off before he somehow integrates the thing he is explaining into a past life experience or a memory about a particular friend/family member with whom he had a bad experience. If this happens then you better get some popcorn because "G" is libel to continue explaining things unnecessarily until one of you falls asleep.
Do you know opposite perspective guy? He generally exists amidst your group of friends passing himself off as one of the team, that is until you try to have a basic discussion. This is when opposite perspective guy strikes. He may share the same political or religious views as you, yet every conversation you create and every point that you make he has the opposite perspective.
Taking a Devil's advocate approach to a discussion is often a good thing however, to be a Devil's advocate you must be able to first hear and accept a point before you can refute it with evidence. Opposite perspective guy routinely shits on any point that you make and seems puzzled when you bring up common everyday occurrences in order to introduce a point.
Example: I want to talk about the dangers of ingesting too much toothpaste.
Me: Hey you know how you brush your teeth everyday?
OPG: I don't brush my teeth everyday.
Me: Well, you know how you are supposed to brush your teeth everyday?
OPG: That's just a conspiracy, we have positive disease fighting germs that live in our gums.
Me: Okay, well you know how people have been told to brush their teeth three times a day since they were kids?
OPG: I've never heard that.
Me: Really? You never saw the brush your teeth song on television when you were a kid?
OPG: I don't watch television
Me: You don't watch Television, why not?
OPG: It poisons the mind
Me: Ah, so your parents didn't want your mind being corrupted by all of those negative images?
OPG: No, there are chemicals released into the air from TV's, they are toxic.
As you can see it doesn't take long for what appeared to be a simple conversation to stray way off course. OPG is a clusterfuck of of insane ideas and never quite seems grounded in common sense. OPG is unable to follow a conversation because to follow a conversation he would have to listen, process and interpret what you say.
It occurred to me very recently while somebody was making a declaration that they are vegetarian, that anybody who makes a declaration is a douchebag. Allow me to list a few examples before I go on a rant.
1) I am a Christian...douchebag
2) I don't watch television...douchebag
3) I drive a Prius...douchebag
4) I am an animal rights activist...douchebag
Let me be clear, none of these things I listed above are bad things however, the simple gesture of having to announce it to people is what makes you a douchebag.
I'm glad that you are vegetarian or that you are eating raw foods only. I'm glad that you have discovered the virtue of grain and it is enhancing your life. In fact, I might even ask you for a recipe sometime. When you announce to everyone that you are a vegetarian however you are making a statement and that statement is "I am superior because I am not doing what everyone else is doing."
I've mentioned this before but not watching television does not make you superior to people who do watch television. In fact, the majority of people who "do not watch television" are at once stupid and tragically boring. There is a misconception in todays world that by not doing something we are somehow more virtuous or more intelligent. The truth could be no further from this idea. FYI television can be educational, it can also teach us how to socialize, relate and plug in with society. The greater that one can understand society and its wants and needs, the greater one can understand themselves and their own origins, thoughts and feelings. Just because stupid people are put on display on television does not mean that the viewer is a) as stupid as them or b) stupid in general because they are watching. Your pompous declaration that you do not watch television is a warning to me that you are simultaneously boring and out of touch.
People only tell you that they are Christian or religious in order to push a religious agenda. For the record, I can't confirm if there is a god or if there isn't but I can confirm that most people who declare themselves Christians are assholes. A declaration of Christianity is again a statement of superiority. "I have found the answer, I am on the winning team. And just so you know, christ is part of my daily life and every decision that I make."
I drive a Prius: "I am saving the world because my car get's twice the gas mileage of a regular car"............douche.
I am animal rights activist. Again, what are they really saying is: "I am a compassionate individual who cares about little helpless creatures that can't defend themselves." There is a hidden implication in that statement and it is: "Why aren't you?" What? I am a compassionate individual who cares about helpless creatures I just don't feel it necessary to announce it whenever I see people. By blabbing your business all over town you are seeking approval and admiration for a gesture that was supposed to be made out of compassion. Now this same gesture has become your tool of condescension and passive judgement. Well, I judge you and you are a douchebag.
Finally the last group I am omitting is the on the spot declarative douche. Let's say a relative is over at your house and they have a long drive ahead of them and they ask: "Do you have any coffee?" You scrounge around in the cupboard for five minutes and say "Yeah I do, but it's instant coffee." To which they reply "Instant coffee, I don't drink instant coffee." First off, apparently I do so why don't you have some common decency and withhold the asshole statement. Secondly, if you are too good for instant then you don't really need coffee so go fuck yourself. Lastly, if you don't want to drink instant coffee you can simply refuse with a "That's alright, I guess I don't need a cup too badly." In that instance you are taking the pressure off me by owning the fact that you are refusing what I am offering. However, in the first instance you make it seem as though I am at once offending you by suggesting that you could drink instant coffee on this one occasion (a beverage enjoyed by millions) and that I should feel a sense of shame that I even offered it to you in the first place.
