Monday, October 10, 2011

What Your Baldness Says About You

No one balds gracefully. Baldness is a microcosm of death. Your hairline is stripped away follicle by follicle and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Perhaps, if you are lucky you can throw a little Rogaine on it to temporary quell the beast of baldness but eventually the sparse reality will catch up with you.

You might be thinking "Baldness is more commonly accepted these days, it ain't so bad." and you would be correct. However, do you know what is even more commonly accepted these days? having hair. If you are a balding man the number of people who will date you is immediately cut in half. With hair, you have a choice to go bald and that choice is what makes all the difference in the world. This isn't to say that some men (or women) are unable to compensate or overcome their baldness it is just an assertion that going bald has never enhanced an individuals attractiveness potential.

While there might be people out there who find bald men or women attractive this rarely if ever gives a balding person a sense of security or satisfaction. Most baldies are ashamed, afraid or hateful of their baldness. To prove this I will now discuss the various types of bald/balding people and through their baldness extrapolate characteristics of their personalities.

Generally speaking their are two buckets that balding people fall into. One is where the baldie is aware and honest about their balding and after a period of regret takes the necessary steps toward accepting the change in their lives. The second group are people who try to cover up their baldness like a poorly planned murder. Since people who are more honest with their baldness are a little less abhorrent  I'll address them first.

The Statham:  This particular type of baldness is employed by a more attractive section of the bald race. The object of this style is to keep the remaining hair tightly cropped to the skull in a neat and aerodynamic cut. It is usually used by men who would look like cancer patients if they shaved off their hair completely  and as such must leave a little stubble to fill in the gaps, bumps and lumps. The intention of this hairstyle is to say: "Sure I'm bald but my athletic physique, ability to kick ass and drive Audi's more than makes up for my lazy hair genes. 

Biker Bald: Biker bald also known as the "Vincent Diesel" is a close cousin of the Statham. This style however is generally used by a girthier gentleman who doesn't care if it looks like a pack of hotdogs got glued to the back of his rolly bald head. This look says: "Yes, I had hair but one day it gave me too much lip so I murdered it." Often this bald style comes equipped with head tattoos of horns, wings or various other gang insignia to help cover up all the negative space. 

Beard Bald: Beard bald is a hilarious game that your genes play on you. Just as you begin to mature and grow facial hair you begin to lose the hair on your head. But not to worry! you've got a great way to recreate your youth. Instead of being bald on the face and hairy on the top, now you're hairy on the face and bald up top. This hairstyle says: "If I walked on my hands no one could tell the difference."

The Aristocrat: AKA the Mogul:  This hairstyle is generally used by men of great stature or wealth. This over 40 hairstyle is tantamount to a soul patch, it's a little bit of hair that is grown simply to annoy others around you. This hairstyle says: "If you say anything stupid about my hair you'll never work in this town again."

The Skullet: AKA the mad scientist. Popularized by homeless people and conspiracy theorists the skullet is chiefly a product of neglect.  More often than not addiction, "the voices" or a straight jacket get in between the skullet wearer and a pair of scissors. For added effect the skullet is enhanced if the bearer has curly afro like hair. This hairstyle says: "I am in no way connected to reality."

But enough about the self aware, let's move on to those who refuse to recognize the passing of their hair era.

Question: Who is the first person to recognize that you are bald? 
Answer: Everybody else.

The sad joke about going bald is that the 2 or 20 times that you look at yourself in the mirror each day pales in comparison to the amount of times that people in public are going to see you from a myriad of unflattering angels. The more deceptive you try to be in an attempt to salvage your hair loss the less trustworthy you appear as a person.

The Dead Animal: The most common solution to eradicate baldness is to staple what looks like a dead squirrel to the top of your head. Whether it is an ill fitting wig or the pelt of a recently deceased forest dwelling mammal, this hairstyle is a refusal to be bald at any cost. Well, I suppose not any cost because a more expensive hair piece might appear a little more convincing. The attachment toward vanity and youth is so strong to the hair piece wearer that they are content if only one out of every 100 people believe that "it's real." This hairstyle says: "I have a lot of secrets."

The Comb Over: The comb over is the most conventionally lampooned hairstyle by comedy sketch writers. On the positive side this hairstyle says that the bearer is willing to do whatever it cover his bald head.The comb over cannot stand the thought of his shiny chrome dome being exposed to the harsh light of day. He is content however with a few strands of unusually long hair being swept across the top of his forehead.  The comb over simply can't let go. As long as the premise of hair remains somewhere within the vicinity of his head he will grow it out and drag it across the valley.  The  comb over should be involved in balancing the budget because he is willing to stretch anything to make it work. His hairstyle says: "I am skeezy."

Guy Who Constantly Wears Sunglasses On The Top Of His Head To Disguise Receding Hairline: Self explanatory.

The Coliseum: The Coliseum is a perimeter of transparent thinning hair that surrounds the exterior of a bald persons head. It is often confused with the Yarmulke but the notable difference is the sheer size of the bald spot. Much like a coliseum, the walls on the outside are tall and supportive while the center is completely barren. The owner of the Coliseum hairstyle will never pick up change or low value items that he drops on the ground. He will also generally avoid conversations with people taller than he is an effort to avoid exposing his giant centralized baldness. This hairstyle is often employed by sleazy salesmen and it says: "Everything looks good at a quick glance if you can talk around the details."


The Never Nude: The Never nude is like Sasquatch, you cannot be sure of his existence. From sun up until sun down and everything in between he's got his head covered with a hat, bandanna, towel or various other items to keep his baldness under wraps. In some regions the Never Nude is known as the Country Singer. Never nudes generally grow out the remaining hair left on their head to create the illusion that underneath their ten gallon hat rests a billowy mold of healthy hair.  The only indication anyone might get that they are bald is when a strong wind blows and they put both hands on their head to hold their hat in place. No man who has a full head of hair is "two hands worried" about his hat blowing off and rolling ten feet away. This hairstyle says: "I can't afford a toupee."

As you can see there are many different personalities within the realm of baldness. If you my dedicated readers can think of any more simply post them in the comments below and if I think they are good I will add them to the list. 


  1. That was enriching information. If I grow bald and decide to cover it with a hat, I will remember to hold it with only one hand.

  2. Great. Thanks. Now I'm gonna go waste an hour in front of my mirror counting my hair follicles and trying to convince myself that they really are all there!

  3. good god. i wonder which papi will be. apparently, the hormones make people bald.

    i suppose i'll have to keep you posted about it.

  4. I got a chuckle out of this blog. It's funny but true. I like bald men but not the comb over type!
    There is help for bald men its called stinging nettles this article explains why men and women go bald in the first place and what to do to get there hair back As always another great informational post with a kick of humor!
    Your post make my day. Thanks

  5. I still think Statham is "hot" and that includes his sexy baldness. hahahaha
    I thought there is a "blown away cover" baldness. It's the combo of "the Comb Over" and "the dead animal" after passing through an exhaust fan. Just sayin'.

  6. I saw a combination of the 'comb-over' and the 'coliseum' (combiseum?) recently while standing in line at the grocery store. To cover the bald spot, he had grown out his bangs and combed them straight back. It was very disturbing. I'm assuming that if his bangs keep getting longer, he may also someday sport a bang-mullet...
    Oh yeah, he also had a man-purse.

  7. @PB I knew exactly what you were talking about with the title and got a chuckle.

    @krouth, I think the "bang mullet" is a great name I'll probably have to work that one in.

  8. As a balding man I have employed several of the hairstyles you listed. I wear a hat. I have had a beard and a shaved head. I most often go with the super-short sports cut. I thought the interesting point was the people who don't hide the fact that they are balding "are little less abhorrent"? So baldies are abhorrent no matter what, huh? Hmmm.

  9. @flip I'm a member of the club as well, that is why I am so informed. Further, I am not immune to the self hatred, shame and bald racism.

  10. Also, I was reading some poems out of "Where The Sidewalk Ends" to my sons, and there was old Shel Silverstein sporting the bald with beard cut. In my opinion he pulled it off better than anyone else has.

  11. This might be the most informative blog post I've ever read.

    Is there such a thing as an "ironic combover"?

  12. You’ve got some interesting points in this article. I would have never considered any of these if I didn’t come across this. Thanks!. denver hair solution