So You're Thinking Of Moving To Oakland

I live in Oakland California and I concede that some of the rumors are true. Every couple of months there are random gunshots outside of my dwelling. Some of those gunshots are directed at people but most of time a drunk guy is just having a little fun discharging his weapon into the sky.


I concede that on more than 3 occasions felons who are fleeing the police have run through my backyard. Yet on ONLY ONE of these occasions did a swat team (complete with attack canines and assault rifles) have to enter my basement in a desperate hunt to find a fugitive.


Besides the few (perpetual) instances of random extreme violence my neighborhood is a relatively quiet one. Well, it's quiet when the Hell's Angels bikers aren't ripping down the street on their Harley's. In those few fleeting minutes when someone isn't blasting the latest hip-hop or mariachi jam through a trunk full of speakers you can almost hear the birds chirp.


Seriously though, I'm under selling it. At worst, I live in the upper crust ghetto. Sure there is lady who is addicted to crack who lives a few houses down. Sure, she has a small white dog named "Kilo" (short for kilogram i.e. kilogram of cocaine) BUT, she is very pleasant. Every time that she accosts my wife for drug money she has the decency to pretend that any "loan" my wife might give her will be paid back post haste.

There are many hidden benefits to living in a city like Oakland so today I'd like to take you on a tour of my neighborhood to show you why the prospect of living here is ever so enticing. For the record the majority of these pictures are screen caps taken directly from Google maps and have not been doctored in any way.


1) Free Garbage Delivery


In this computer age we rarely ever get mail delivered. Because of this it is truly a special moment when we get an actual letter or a parcel. In Oakland, the gifts just keep on coming. Several times per week an anonymous donor drops off a package in front of my house. Sometimes it's a collection of fast food paraphernalia, sometimes it's a bag full of soiled diapers but every once in a while you'll get an entire garbage bag full of some really sweet child size clothing.

Conversely, Oakland also engenders a Buddhist lifestyle. What better way to free yourself of your possessions and live only in the temporal world than to have everything of value go "missing" by the time you return home from work.


2) Pet Friendly


Unlike many other snooty towns we don't have any regulations about what kind of an animal you can have. Not only are Pitbulls, German Shepards, Dobermans and Rottweilers accepted in my neighborhood they are almost a prerequisite to get in. In fact, most people have more than one attack dog and they rarely if ever bring them inside so you can always hear their comforting barking especially in the stillness of the early morning hours.

Often "pet people" are weird about their dogs socializing with other dogs and they'll cross the street to avoid an uncomfortable dog on dog butt sniffing incident. In the ghetto this absurd notion is hardly ever witnessed. In fact, Oakland has a communal approach to dog ownership. On any given week you can walk out your front door and encounter five different types of dogs sniffing around in the foliage leash AND owner free.


3) Cars


Got a hot ride? don't worry, we've got ample street parking/front lawn parking to ensure that you don't get any scratches in the clear coat or dings in the bumper.

4) Schools


The old adage exclaims: "Stay in School" well, with our 20 foot high jail spec fences your children will have no choice. During recess they can play soccer on our simulated field (read: painted concrete). Also, our delinquency and dropout rates are so high that the remaining students are guaranteed to get a lot of extra attention from teachers.

5) Fine Dining


Do you enjoy delicious food with an international flair? Do you like saving money and not having to worry about making reservations? Would you love the convenience of eating freshly cooked food at all hours of the night? Well, look no further we've got all of your needs covered.

Are you planning a cheese tasting party? Do you need a delicious chablis to serve with oysters? One of our alcohol dispensaries conveniently located on every corner will help you scratch that itch.

6) Je ne sais quoi


There is something to be said about the architecture of older buildings. Our ancestors revered style over function and as such many properties are outfitted with ornate wrought iron fences that represent the pride of a past era.

Some houses were built with ingenuity ahead of their time. Take for example this one with the suicide suite on the 2nd floor.

With scenic views and lush gardens second to none as well as the ability to cash a check at over 30 locations within a one mile radius Oakland truly is the "Do Everything" city.

I hope that this brief tour of my neighborhood convinced many of you that Oakland is more than just home base for a myriad of gangs. In many ways it is a misinterpreted and undiscovered gem hidden beneath a canopy of drive by shootings and spontaneous home invasions.

Honesty Is Never The Best Policy

Fat, dumb, ugly, annoying. One or more of these words applies to you, does it feel good knowing that? Though we've never met are you glad that I was honest with you or would you rather that I just kept that to myself?


No one wants to hear the actual truth. What's the first thing you do when someone says something about us we don't like? We try to convince them that are wrong. If you thought that I hurt your feelings and think I'm an asshole, you would not be wrong in that feeling. No amount of me logically explaining my behavior is going to make you think "Yeah, I guess he's not an asshole."

The only reason people will claim to admire honesty or to be "brutally honest" is because they want to excuse themselves from the horrible things they are about to say to you. In a perfect world we could all be narcissists surrounded by a bunch of androids, built to pay us flattering comments and accept verbal abuse. Unfortunately, the world is not perfect and people don't want to hear the truth especially in the vile, offensive way in which you present it.

Even on occasions when I say I want the absolute truth, I still want a softer version. I want to hear: "Yeah, unfortunately we're going to have to lay you off due to cutbacks." I don't want to hear "We're firing you because you are a lazy inept piece of shit worker who brings down the productivity of the company whenever you are here." Both of these statements achieve the same result, but one is less hurtful. Even if my wife was having a sordid affair I'd rather her say "Yeah, me and my friend Thomas were just exchanging massages, that's why we had our clothes off."

From what I know about society everyone recycles, no one watches television and no one eats fast food. Yet streets and garbage cans are littered with bottles, American Idol consistently gets 30 million viewers and there is a fast food chain of every name in every town. The reason we claim to recycle without fail is there is nothing but a negative connotation carried with not recycling. If people say that watching television is bad for you, then you project the image that you don't watch it. Fast food is unhealthy and you don't want to be seen as unhealthy or fat, so you deny it. Let it be known that your individuals reflections on each of these things mentioned do not concern me. These are merely rhetorical to drive home the bigger point. The bigger point is that people are dishonest when the doing or not doing of something carries a stigma.

If we are honest with ourselves we like a little dishonesty spliced in with our honesty.

What Came First The Crazy Or The Egg?

Situation: I was sitting idly watching television and not reading or doing anything productive. For the record what I was watching wasn't educational in any way. I was simply wasting my life, moment by moment in front of the television. Suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping on my chamber door. Naturally, I was frozen with fear. Who could it be knocking on my door? Was it the police, would I become the victim of mistaken identity and be arrested and taken to jail? Was it my landlord? did she finally have a verdict on what she thought about the illegal pets that I have been harboring in my apartment? Worse, could it be someone that I know personally who just thought that it would be "fun" to pop by? Whatever the situation, it needed an answer. But I admit, on this occasion my panic got the best of me and I hid in the comfort of the bathroom and waited for the pounding on my door to cease. 


Once it finally did, I mustered up the courage to see if the perpetrator left any evidence behind. Holding my breath I slowly walked to the front door and grabbed hold of the handle. Unlocking the door, I quickly pulled it opened and timidly poked my head outside.  On my doorstep there rested a package from UPS. It seemed that the evil caller that had come to ruin my life was in fact a good doer, come to shower me with gifts.


It was at this point I got to thinking "What the hell is wrong with me?" I have yet in my life to be stabbed or held at gunpoint. At worst as I mentioned I've had to deal with the landlord in a few sticky situations where I've had to lubricate the truth. Other than that, my life is fairly tame. So why then do I dash into the comfort of the bathroom or closet when someone knocks on the door or calls on the phone? Simply put, I'm a little crazy.


 I believe however that my form of crazy is justifiable. You see even though my interactions with humans are fairly pedestrian and not conventionally scary, they aren't good either. Every phone conversation I've ever had is someone trying to get me to help them work through a computer problem. If not that then they are requesting that I drive 40 miles and jump start their car or fix a flat. If not that then I am timidly trying to arrange a job interview over the phone whereby I have to disguise my lack of experience in the field and pretend that my references are real.

In real life, my interactions with people who come to my door are the same. Every knock on the door is a problem. A plumber frantically bangs on my door because the toilet of the guy below exploded and there is shit everywhere. Since we are on the same system the plumber has to hurriedly come in and prevent a geyser of poop from exploding out of my bathtub drain. Or it's someone asking me to move the car, donate to X charity, join X religion etc. Besides the one occasion when the UPS guy came bearing gifts, there is nothing that the outside world has unexpectedly thrust on me that is good. Because of this, I see no reason to go outside or anticipate good things. For people like me anticipating good things is like not bracing for a punch, it just hurts a lot more and you go down faster.