Perhaps I'm in the minority but I like my heroes to be accessible. I don't want to look up to some unattainable image with jealousy and be content with simply admiring someone else's ability to be. No, I want my influences to inspire me to self actualize, to be all that I can be and all that jazz.
I think that it is safe to say that in life I have taken the road less traveled and FYI Robert Frost IT HAS made all the difference. Unfortunately, the "difference" is that my life is crap. Don't get worried dear reader, this isn't a cry for help I'm just trying to articulate a point.
I used to like horror movies. Correction, I used to like the idea/thrust behind the genre of horror. A few of the more successful horror films had at their heart genuine characters with genuine yearning and intent. In many cases the killers had justifiable reasons for embarking on their reign of terror. Jason Voorhees lived his entire life as a deformed teased kid. One day he went to camp at Crystal Lake and ended up drowning due to the negligence of the camp councilors. Sure, maybe his mother got a little over zealous with a knife in the first installment of the series but after the plucky kids knocked her off Jason had twice the reason to grow into a beefy, immortal, goalie mask wearing killing machine.
What about Freddy Krueger? He was the bastard child of a mother who was raped and impregnated by the inmates of a sanitarium for the criminally insane. After that he was abused, tormented and bounced around to several foster homes. Even if Freddy didn't end up killing hundreds of people it's not like he was destined to be president.
Finally, Nosferatu/Old school vampires. Vampires of yesteryear were clammy black eyed rodent looking animals who only came out at night. Sure, vamps can't go into direct sunlight because it causes death, but methinks the original vamps refused to be seen in daylight because they were too hideous to creep out of the shadows. Vampires have no reflection in the mirror because they have no soul and are technically dead but having no reflection is also an unstated commentary on their exterior appearance. Did vampires really not appear in mirrors or did mirrors just refuse to recognize them because they were ugly?
Personally, I don't endorse killing for recreation or revenge but I do identify with the underlying themes behind the characters I mentioned. These stories are about tormented people/creatures who were never given a chance at normalcy in their lives. After a long period of unwarranted hatred and rejection they used that suffering as fuel to develop superior strength, intellect and will. They then take vengeance on a world that refused to accept them, a world who beat them down and tried to destroy them. Besides the virgin who beats the killer in the the old horror films the rest of the people slayed are abhorrent human beings. For this reason we tend to cheer the killer on his/her quest for some twisted form of justice.
But one day that all changed. The heroic, ugly, outcast monsters who sought to neutralize the gap between the haves and have nots were staked through the heart. In their place an army of teenage heart throbs and heart throbettes took over. Vampires were no longer hideous creatures of the dark rather they were youthful athletic models destined to remain young and beautiful forever. The hunger for blood was once seen as a monstrous practice performed by a demon who forfeited his soul in order to stave off the decay of his body and the permanency of death. Now blood is merely used as a device to heighten sexual tension and immortality is merely used as a device to reinforce the importance of youth and vanity.
In current slasher movies (spoiler alert) all of the killers are the cool kids. Killing is no longer a last resort brought upon by mental illness and an inability to fit in with the world. No! these days killing is en vogue. Cool Trevor doesn't kill because of years of abuse he kills just because he's bored.
Mental illness, sadness, despair were the last refuge that the fringes of society had. For a while there everyone ignored the darkness within our species for the uncomfortable, inconvenient blight that it was. That was until someone realized that you can turn suffering into mystery and mystery into sexuality. Now no dark corners remain. The anti hero has become an unattainable brooding male model who has 1000 years of life experience and the power of 10 men. We no longer shudder and quake for fear of creatures that lurk in the pale moonlight. There is no sympathy remaining in our hearts for the aching loneliness of being passed over. Today's monsters are not something we are afraid of but something we wish we could be. When we hear a bump in the night we don't get a knife, we grab our cameras and autograph pads instead.
Besides the fact that I have no discernible talent and that I was not born into money, there are still several reason why I am not rich and probably never will be. Ignoring the few exceptions and the wealthy philanthropists who get all touchy feely and givey-givey with their money after they crack 20 billion, most people are rich because they don't give their money away. Every moment of a rich persons life is consumed by monitoring every transaction to ensure that they are always getting the better end of the deal and if they aren't, they make certain that they can write it off as a business expense. Every conversation is an acquisition or a form of networking. Every purchase is an investment first, above all else. I'm not certain if assholes are drawn to making money or if the process of making money turns you into an asshole but most people with money are most certainly assholes.
I suspect that the problem with money is that everyone at one time needs it. In order to associate with people who have less money than you and keep your money, you have to do three things: 1) At all costs do not give people money! No matter how much they struggle, giving them money will only enable them to ask you for more money. 2) Make empty promises and excuses about how you'd like to help just....never do. 3) Develop a healthy paranoia about your money. Lie to everyone about your financial status. If you have to, cash out all of your bank accounts and bury the money in a tomb constructed beneath your investment properties in Bora Bora.
Being rich is also about perspective. When I think of inventions that I'd like to see in the world I want them to chiefly serve a beneficial purpose. I don't mean that they have to be altruistic, I just mean that like a car, stove or guitar the invention should ideally enhance life. I don't think that rich people have this same thought, in fact I think that a lot of people have an entirely different view on the situation. Why build something that works and lasts when there is more money to be made by creating things that break or don't ever really work correctly? When the permutations of that idea are exhausted just start making crap that doesn't really do anything all. If you don't know what I am talking about just think about 90% of the "inventions" that are sold on the home shopping network.
The two pronged question that any wannabe rich person always asks when presented with any situation or idea is this: 1) How can I make money on that? 2) How can I make more money on that? Often times there is no way to make money and as such the rich person must figure out a way to break or alter an idea in order to make it profitable. If they cannot do this then they will surely introduce a middle man. A middle man for those of you who don't know is someone whose sole purpose it is to extract dollars from your wallet. A middle man is different from a trained professional who provides a service. Middle men create superfluous jobs and job titles and will scare you with advertising so that you'll come running to them for help. If you don't know who I am talking about anyone with the word "Agent" or "Life Coach" in their job title is a good start.
As as thinking member of the world I anticipate that some people will do a poor job sometimes and will need assistance, the only difference is that I wouldn't seek to make a profit out of it. Secondly, sometimes a helping hand can be a gift or a gesture of love and not fodder for a future manipulation or "business venture."
The moment your hear these four words spoken you know you're in for a treat. They will always precede a movie trailer for an upcoming film, one that the creators know is horrible. However, since they are a business they want you to see the movie anyway. From the producers of is code for:
1) We couldn't get the big star 2) This movie has no script 3) This movie has no stars AND no script.
The producers of the movie are essentially saying "Remember the last movie we paid someone to make? well, that was good, so go and see this new movie that has nothing to do with that other movie whatsoever." It is an admission of guilt before the movie even hits the big screen.
Today I want to talk about bad movies but I'd first like to educate/commiserate with you my loyal followers about how to spot a bad movie. You probably know to steer clear of movies that feature musicians just like you would avoid music made by actors but do you know the subtleties of spotting a bad film?
When it comes to sequels it is easy. If none of the original cast returns the movie is terrible. This means that that the production company didn't want to shell out the dough to make the movie properly or that the script was so poor that the actor decided to abandon ship.
Any actor who is referred to as a poor man's version of another actor is a movie worth skipping. For example: "Dennis Quaid is a poor man's Kevin Costner." Now, you may recall seeing a Dennis Quaid movie that you liked, let me assure you that was a mistake on your part. Often in our lives (self included) we are tricked into believing that we liked something the first time we saw it. Sometimes a movie has some sort of sentimental appeal that strikes a nerve, but go back and watch that same movie with a clear head and you'll realize how terrible it was all along. Also, if you are being compared to a star who performed in turds like Waterworld, The Postman and most recently Mr Brooks with a tour de force performance by "comedian" Dane Cook, it probably isn't a good thing.
Finally, get to know your second rung actors. Every once in a while a second rate actor will get an Academy Award nomination. Reporters will often say that Clooney or Pitt passed up the opportunity to play the role which catapulted the then unknown actor into superstardom. It is very seldom that an A-list actor refuses a good script. Generally, a marquee actor will pass on a film because the script looks horrible and doing the movie would damage their career.
Do you know Paul Walker? His acting talents involve having blue eyes and a "Did someone just fart look on his face. Every movie he stars in reads like a who's who of bad movies. From the fast and furious series to Into the Blue with the equally untalented Jessica Alba. every movie is a sure misfire. The list goes on and on: Taye Diggs, Channing Tatum, Hayden Christensen.
Last but not least I want to talk about a few movies that I have had the pleasure of seeing that were so bad I actually enjoyed them in some way and had to watch them again. For the record there are hundreds that I could have chosen. In fact I'm sure that there are 100 B movies that are far worse than the ones that I am about to mention. What is important to note however is that the ones I am going to talk about were green lit and fully backed by a major production studio. Let's begin.
1) Extreme Ops
Hopefully The only excuse I have for seeing this movie is that it was released in the summer and I paid the matinee fee in order to use the theaters air conditioner. If not that then there was a time in the past where my older brother and I would go to see whatever was playing at the local theater to stave off the boredom of small town living. If you've had the pleasure of seeing this movie there is no valid excuse as to why anyone would see it on the big screen unless you like a lot of leg and arm room from all the empty seats around you.
The premise of the movie as I recall was this. A bunch of college aged kids who are into X-games style XTREME sports go to the top of a snow capped mountain for some reason I can't remember. Little do they know that the mountain top is the hideout of some war criminal/terrorist. Unfortunately for the kids they get some of the big bad's antics on film and they get caught doing it. The evil guy then assigns his henchmen to murder the kids and get the footage back. Little do the terrorists know, these kids are highly skilled skiers/snowboarders and getting the tape back will be harder than they think. Cue 60 minutes of guys/gals doing somersaults on ski's while bad guys shoot machine guns at them and that just about sums up the entire movie. Delightful.
2) The Order
The Order is a movie that almost killed Heath Ledger's career long before he killed himself. Frankly, I can't remember a lot about the movie but I can recall enough to intrigue you, I think. The final words of the trailer remark "What's going on here?" and it couldn't be put more aptly than that. The movie presents itself as some Da Vinci Code-esque thriller about a dark papal secret. I don't remember what the secret was or how it was uncovered, what I do remember was that Heath was a sin eater?!! What's a sin eater you say? I believe the idea is that before you die you can ritually have a specified member of the clergy literally eat your sins to absolve you so that you can go to heaven. For what feels like the next 3 hours you watch Heath walk around and make Hors D' Oeuvres out of peoples sins by wrapping them up in little body of Christ sized pita's and jam them into his mouth.
3) Mortal Kombat : Annihilation
Admission: I liked the first Mortal Kombat movie. An obsession of my brother and I as kids was with playing the game. Naturally when they made a big screen version of it we were thrilled. At the time we were able to overlook a few of the bad special effects namely a character named Goro who had four arms. We overlooked these bad special effects because the first film had a few charming elements and it was our first experience into seeing the game world actualized in real life. Needless to say we watched the original several times and were even excited when we heard that there would be a sequel, that was of course until we saw the sequel.
As stated earlier, in part two almost none of the original cast returned. In fact, a new actor was hired who looked like one of the original actors just so they could kill him off and continue the story without any script hiccups. I don't know why they even bothered as the film is abysmal from minute one to minute done. From the lazy CGI where you can clearly see a white outline around all the characters who look like paper cut outs moving in stop motion animation to even worse than anticipated acting the movie is a flawless victory.
4) House of the Dead
Last but certainly not least is another video game to movie adaptation. The game as expected by its title pits the player in a life and death battle against a house filled with dead things. Your only objective in the game is to shoot the dead things until they are redead.
The premise of the movie would follow then that the characters go to a large mansion and encounter strange dead things that they try to kill right? wrong. Instead of a house the characters go to an island. It's not even a strange deserted island stuck somewhere in the middle of the Ocean like lost. Nope, these youthful twenty somethings are going via boat to what appears to be cottage country in some North East state to what is supposed to be the rave of the century. What they don't know is that while there will be bodies movin' and shakin' it won't be due to copious amounts of ecstasy, alcohol and techo music.
As predicted at some point someone goes swimming or someone goes off into the woods alone and eventually they discover that the island is not infested with glittery good time girls but flesh eating zombies. Without reason or explanation the group of athletic and apparently gun trained kids find a wealth of weapons and use them to blow the whole island to smithereens (whatever those are). This movie is truly fascinating because it had at least a 7 million dollar budget and it appears to have taken measures to do things purposefully wrong. The singular thing that sets this movie aside from a parody is that it takes itself seriously. It becomes apparent that the only thing the movie shares with the video game is its the title, well that and a few horribly pixelated game images that they spliced into the movie afterward between scenes. I highly recommend this movie for the amusement factor alone.
So that's it for today's really long post. If you have any movie that you watched that was surprisingly bad but you found yourself wanting to re-experience it please feel free to comment below.
Apparently it is theme week and as such I bring you the third installment of people that I find annoying.
Everyone knows the guy who rocks the block. He generally drives a piece of shit Nissan Sentra (otherwise known as a Nissan Sentra) and has his trunk filled with amps and bass speakers. You will recognize him first by the loud rattle of his thin trunk lid that hasn't been insulated to counteract the violent rumbling from his bass speakers. As he gets closer you will involuntarily shit your pants once or twice due the gravity of the bass pounding on your internal organs. Finally, you'll generally see a white kid age ranging from 17-25 wearing one of those over sized ball caps with a large unbent bill. He will be wearing a velour tracksuit in a soft pastel color accompanied by an array of silver necklaces.
If you catch him at a stoplight his music of choice is something from the slim shady catalog or one of the many black artists that are a part of the same production company. Every once in a while he'll be searching for a particular track on his mix cd and accidentally come across one that he put on there for his girl. His finger will desperately try to mash the skip button but the cd takes too long to access the next track and his tough gangsta facade is ruined by accidentally blasting a verse of Plain White T's Hey There Delilah.
We all know why Guy Who Rocks The Block is doing it. He has very few friends, is obviously poor or jobless. His taste in music suggests that he is stupid and stupidity generally leads to being uncharismatic. What then can he do to get the attention of other people? Blast music loudly until others say "Where the fuck is that music coming from and why won't that obnoxious asshole turn it off? In his mind it is a win because you are paying him attention something you wouldn't otherwise have done if not for his terrible music invading your ear holes.
Believe it or not, Guy Who Rocks The Block at 8 A.M. is a different and sometimes more evolved version of GWRTB. The 8 A.M. block rocker is usually in his 30's. He often has a Pontiac Fiero or a 1980's corvette. He has been up all night doing blow and congregating with cheap prostitutes. Now he's on his way home but he doesn't want the party to end. He puts the top down so that his Michael Bolton mullet (long in the back nothing up front) curly locks can wisp in the wind. His music of choice? anything AC/DC but it's a special treat if he can find Guns n' Roses Welcome to the Jungle or Sweet Child O' Mine.
Another version of GWRTB @8AM is a rather new development. He is in his late 20's and he has just become part of the corporate world. His salary is big enough that he can afford to make payments on a 2 year old VW jetta. Even though he has bought into the corporate world he will be damned if the man is going to keep him down. When he leaves the house in the morning he leaves his white collared shirt unbuttoned. On his feet are a pair of Airwalks skate shoes. In one hand he has his briefcase, in the other his tie and his keyless entry remote. He will eventually have to suit up and become one of the faceless zombies but right now, this is his time rebel. His music is generally something of the hardcore punk nature. Anything with simple guitar licks, pounding drum beats and lyrics about anarchy and there being no future will do. By rocking the block in the morning he is both getting himself psyched up to whore himself out for 8 hours and letting the world know that even though he is part of the system, that he's NOT PART OF THE SYSTEM!!!
Finally of course Guy who rocks the block at 8 A.M. could still be that same shit head who does it the rest of the day he just does it in the morning when people are trying to sleep because he is that pathetic. Just a note to everyone who is listening, Giant car stereos were cool in the 90's when no one had them and people were both impressed/shocked by the sounds that came out of them. These days car stereos are as pedestrian and annoying as car alarms. Please save your money and put it toward a college education. Thanks.
It occurred to me very recently while somebody was making a declaration that they are vegetarian, that anybody who makes a declaration is a douchebag. Allow me to list a few examples before I go on a rant.
1) I am a Christian...douchebag 2) I don't watch television...douchebag 3) I drive a Prius...douchebag 4) I am an animal rights activist...douchebag
Let me be clear, none of these things I listed above are bad things however, the simple gesture of having to announce it to people is what makes you a douchebag.
I'm glad that you are vegetarian or that you are eating raw foods only. I'm glad that you have discovered the virtue of grain and it is enhancing your life. In fact, I might even ask you for a recipe sometime. When you announce to everyone that you are a vegetarian however you are making a statement and that statement is "I am superior because I am not doing what everyone else is doing."
I've mentioned this before but not watching television does not make you superior to people who do watch television. In fact, the majority of people who "do not watch television" are at once stupid and tragically boring. There is a misconception in todays world that by not doing something we are somehow more virtuous or more intelligent. The truth could be no further from this idea. FYI television can be educational, it can also teach us how to socialize, relate and plug in with society. The greater that one can understand society and its wants and needs, the greater one can understand themselves and their own origins, thoughts and feelings. Just because stupid people are put on display on television does not mean that the viewer is a) as stupid as them or b) stupid in general because they are watching. Your pompous declaration that you do not watch television is a warning to me that you are simultaneously boring and out of touch.
People only tell you that they are Christian or religious in order to push a religious agenda. For the record, I can't confirm if there is a god or if there isn't but I can confirm that most people who declare themselves Christians are assholes. A declaration of Christianity is again a statement of superiority. "I have found the answer, I am on the winning team. And just so you know, christ is part of my daily life and every decision that I make."
I drive a Prius: "I am saving the world because my car get's twice the gas mileage of a regular car"............douche.
I am animal rights activist. Again, what are they really saying is: "I am a compassionate individual who cares about little helpless creatures that can't defend themselves." There is a hidden implication in that statement and it is: "Why aren't you?" What? I am a compassionate individual who cares about helpless creatures I just don't feel it necessary to announce it whenever I see people. By blabbing your business all over town you are seeking approval and admiration for a gesture that was supposed to be made out of compassion. Now this same gesture has become your tool of condescension and passive judgement. Well, I judge you and you are a douchebag.
Finally the last group I am omitting is the on the spot declarative douche. Let's say a relative is over at your house and they have a long drive ahead of them and they ask: "Do you have any coffee?" You scrounge around in the cupboard for five minutes and say "Yeah I do, but it's instant coffee." To which they reply "Instant coffee, I don't drink instant coffee." First off, apparently I do so why don't you have some common decency and withhold the asshole statement. Secondly, if you are too good for instant then you don't really need coffee so go fuck yourself. Lastly, if you don't want to drink instant coffee you can simply refuse with a "That's alright, I guess I don't need a cup too badly." In that instance you are taking the pressure off me by owning the fact that you are refusing what I am offering. However, in the first instance you make it seem as though I am at once offending you by suggesting that you could drink instant coffee on this one occasion (a beverage enjoyed by millions) and that I should feel a sense of shame that I even offered it to you in the first place.
