As Peter Parker's uncle put it "With great power comes great responsibility." Upon first glance it might be difficult to see the correlation between Spiderman and a Porsche driver yet, they are in their essence the same thing. Peter Parker was an every man who was transformed by a spider bite into a heroic protector of the weak and innocent. A Porsche owner by virtue of a key is elevated to a level of prestige and envy untouched by most. The problem that arises with many Porsche drivers however is that they are oblivious to the unstated duties of driving a German crafted sports car. Besides having the funds to pay the astronomical price tag, a Porsche owner is obligated to uphold an image of class and unobtainable superiority. People who see a Porsche drive by shouldn't feel jealous, instead they should look upon it with reverence and eagerly get out of the passing lane.
Sadly, inside North America and I imagine many countries all over the world Porches are being passed over with cursory glances that were once reserved for Fords Buicks and Dodges. This loss of image is directly related to a deflated sense of mystique which is directly related to a dwindling adherence to the rules of driving a Porsche. Should you ever find yourself among the 1% and you stumble across this blog please read the following detailed instructions to insure that you are driving your Porsche correctly.
1) Cleanliness: A Porsche must always be clean. Correction, a Porsche must always be spotless. With a cost of 80,000 dollars and up a Porsche is a jewel to behold. You wouldn't wear a scuffed, dinged and dirty watch or necklace so why should you expect anything less for your car? A Porsche is intended for good weather only, not because it can't handle a little bit of rain or snow but because it should be regarded as a toy of excess. Let your four door Mercedes or BMW do the grunt work on the sleet filled salty streets. When the weather is cool and clear, then and only then is it time to let the turbo's rip. If you can't afford to store your Porsche in inclement weather you can't afford to have a Porsche. Also, if you can afford to foot the bill for high octane fuel then you can spare the cost for a monthly detailing.
2) Manner of Dress: You are not a hobo/hobette who stumbled out from your crack den and into the alley where your Porsche was parked. Absolutely no sweat pants. I don't care if you just came from the gym, that is what changing rooms were invented for. The optimal dress is probably business casual, something with movement but enough style to still look important. If you must wear anything else first insure that it is properly tailored or that it is an article of clothing that isn't prominent within the general public. Remember, a t-shirt isn't just a t-shirt if it costs 100 dollars.
3) A Porsche Boxster isn't a Porsche: If you are rich and you have accidentally purchased one of these cars for yourself please immediately throw it in the garbage. If you own a Porsche Boxster thinking that you had finally "made it" sorry, you are still not part of the club. No member of the upper class strives for the bare minimum. The Porsche Boxster is merely a Pyramid scheme that keeps Porsche in business long enough to sell real Porsches to real Porsche owners.
4) Attitude: You are the 1%, the working world aspires to be you. You are not just a king/queen among men, you symbolically represent the dreams of millions of people. Because of this you are not allowed to be in a bad mood when you are driving your Porsche. The desire for many to go on with their lives is fueled by the vain hope that one day they will become someone like you. Do not crush their lives by getting angry at the barista who forgot your non fat whipped topping. Your tiny burst of road rage or sad frown at the sight of a traffic jam is enough to crack the facade that is holding up the world. Remember, even if nothing is going right in your life, you've still got a Porsche and that ain't so bad.
5) Driving Habits: A Porsche is a high performance machine that has been tested on the Nurburgring in order to tweak it for maximum response in braking, turning and acceleration. A Porsche was not built and was never intended to be a boulevard cruiser. Under no circumstances should you drive the car 15 miles per hour...anywhere. A Porsche should always be driven fast. Speed limits should be regarded as a suggestion rather than an instruction. Because of the unstated requirement to drive fast it is also your duty to pay a small duty fee in the form of speeding tickets. A couple hundred dollars is a pittance to pay in order to tell the rest of the world "I can drive as fast as I want."
Whether it is a briefcase, a basket of wine and cheeses from the Napa valley or a lady of the evening the passenger seat should always be occupied. Onlookers don't want to believe that sad, old, lonely men putter around nightclubs in search of gold digging strays. Rather, people want to believe that a Porsche driver has already got it all and if he doesn't have it yet, he is on the short, exclusive waiting list.
Finally, music. If the sound of a high revving engine and turbo whoosh isn't enough for you then please be sure to choose your music wisely. Save the 80's hair bands for your cousin's Camaro. Anything too loud or ostentatious takes away from the importance of the car. Loud noises are devices used by children and people of low intelligence. Like a drunk heckler at a comedy club an overly loud display of music will get people looking at you for all of the wrong reasons.
If you work these five steps into your Porsche driving regimen the world will be a better place for it. Good luck and God bless.
I used to watch the news and develop well thought out political opinions. Let me try that again. I used to watch the Daily Show, it was filled with well thought out political opinions. Often I would flip around the dial during commercials and see an occasional news story about some far off geographical place that was experiencing some far off geographical turmoil. I thought to myself: "Self, can you believe the atrocities that other people around the globe are facing?" I thought to myself: "Self, you should talk to other people around you and inform them of these atrocities."
In many cases the people I talked to had also been briefed via the News and Daily Show about what was going on around the world. Since our general political principles were the same and since we generally lived in the same geographical area by a similar economic standard, we had a similar general outlook on the situation. If pressed to find the location on the map of the crisis du jour we probably couldn't. What we could do however was pass judgment on the way that people lived in that geographical area. Some of these people didn't wipe their asses with toilet paper or have flush toilets for Christ sake, surely they were developmentally challenged mouth breathers.
But something happened one day, I lost my access to cable television. I moved out of my cozy 75 square foot studio apartment and into a massive 150 square foot one. During that time I neither had cable television nor did I have cable internet. Further, I was born after 1980 so I don't even know what a newspaper is nor how to read one. One time I tried and accidentally set the kitchen on fire. During this period of transition I would often encounter people on the street who would say "Hey, how bout that local sports team?" to which I would reply "Well, it all really comes down to leadership and coaching. We've got some good young players this year so hopefully we'll see the playoffs." Frankly, I wasn't sure what sport we were talking about but if you ever find yourself stuck in a similar situation that remark usually works.
Eventually I did get the internet up and running again but I never got my beloved cable back. At some point I was thrust into a situation of mixed company and they began talking politics and current religious wars. I realized that I had no idea what they were talking about. Unlike sports, I didn't have any blanket statement that I could throw out there to convince the others I was hip to the game. Instead, every one of their utterances was met with my blank stare and me saying "Oh, did that really happen?? sheesh." I realized that I didn't know what was going on in the world and I kind of liked it.
Don't get me wrong I don't want other people in far off distant lands to suffer I was just awakened to the freedom of not knowing about said suffering. I realized that knowing what was going on in other countries that I had no impact on positively changing, only added to the tension and grief that I already felt in life. Further, not knowing allowed me to escape pompous discussions from friends and family about "What we should be doing as a country" and from hearing the same small recycled piece of general knowledge that CNN and other News outlets collectively briefed America with.
I understand that it is not Christian of me to lower the amount of "likes" for Tsunami relief in Japan by one. I'm not even going to pretend that I know what the hell is/was going on in Egypt either. Obviously I could quickly go out and read a few articles and familiarize myself with the details. I could then go and pompously look down upon someone who is as ignorant as I am. But, this is not an essay about me being consumed with the comings and goings of Kim Kardashian. This is not an essay about my love of Juicy Couture and attaining material wealth and possessions while ignoring important political issues. It is the realization that even when I am moderately informed about what is going on in other parts of the world I can a) do nothing about it and b) I legitimately know nothing about it. Any action or opinion I might formulate will be biased to how the information is a) presented to me and how b) limited to my perspective on how I was raised and socialized.
Have you ever been having a deeply person conversation with a significant other or friend? You know, the type of conversation that you might only have 4 times in your life. You're really getting into the important details of what it means to be you as a person. You start to uncover unknown truths about yourself and the person you are talking to. You begin to feel closer to them, you begin to feel a sense of meaning and purpose in your life. Just then a third party walks into the room and says "Hey, whatcha talkin' bout?" and you say "The deeply important details that govern our entire lives." and they say: "Cool, I'm going to take the very limited information you have given me and quickly develop a broad stroke solution that insults both of you while simultaneously making me look like a prick. How's that sound?" and you say "Um........great."
It occurred to me very recently while somebody was making a declaration that they are vegetarian, that anybody who makes a declaration is a douchebag. Allow me to list a few examples before I go on a rant.
1) I am a Christian...douchebag
2) I don't watch television...douchebag
3) I drive a Prius...douchebag
4) I am an animal rights activist...douchebag
Let me be clear, none of these things I listed above are bad things however, the simple gesture of having to announce it to people is what makes you a douchebag.
I'm glad that you are vegetarian or that you are eating raw foods only. I'm glad that you have discovered the virtue of grain and it is enhancing your life. In fact, I might even ask you for a recipe sometime. When you announce to everyone that you are a vegetarian however you are making a statement and that statement is "I am superior because I am not doing what everyone else is doing."
I've mentioned this before but not watching television does not make you superior to people who do watch television. In fact, the majority of people who "do not watch television" are at once stupid and tragically boring. There is a misconception in todays world that by not doing something we are somehow more virtuous or more intelligent. The truth could be no further from this idea. FYI television can be educational, it can also teach us how to socialize, relate and plug in with society. The greater that one can understand society and its wants and needs, the greater one can understand themselves and their own origins, thoughts and feelings. Just because stupid people are put on display on television does not mean that the viewer is a) as stupid as them or b) stupid in general because they are watching. Your pompous declaration that you do not watch television is a warning to me that you are simultaneously boring and out of touch.
People only tell you that they are Christian or religious in order to push a religious agenda. For the record, I can't confirm if there is a god or if there isn't but I can confirm that most people who declare themselves Christians are assholes. A declaration of Christianity is again a statement of superiority. "I have found the answer, I am on the winning team. And just so you know, christ is part of my daily life and every decision that I make."
I drive a Prius: "I am saving the world because my car get's twice the gas mileage of a regular car"............douche.
I am animal rights activist. Again, what are they really saying is: "I am a compassionate individual who cares about little helpless creatures that can't defend themselves." There is a hidden implication in that statement and it is: "Why aren't you?" What? I am a compassionate individual who cares about helpless creatures I just don't feel it necessary to announce it whenever I see people. By blabbing your business all over town you are seeking approval and admiration for a gesture that was supposed to be made out of compassion. Now this same gesture has become your tool of condescension and passive judgement. Well, I judge you and you are a douchebag.
Finally the last group I am omitting is the on the spot declarative douche. Let's say a relative is over at your house and they have a long drive ahead of them and they ask: "Do you have any coffee?" You scrounge around in the cupboard for five minutes and say "Yeah I do, but it's instant coffee." To which they reply "Instant coffee, I don't drink instant coffee." First off, apparently I do so why don't you have some common decency and withhold the asshole statement. Secondly, if you are too good for instant then you don't really need coffee so go fuck yourself. Lastly, if you don't want to drink instant coffee you can simply refuse with a "That's alright, I guess I don't need a cup too badly." In that instance you are taking the pressure off me by owning the fact that you are refusing what I am offering. However, in the first instance you make it seem as though I am at once offending you by suggesting that you could drink instant coffee on this one occasion (a beverage enjoyed by millions) and that I should feel a sense of shame that I even offered it to you in the first place.
