Hippies in theory are a sound idea. Any person or group who advocates a counterculture perspective is a good thing for society. Unfortunately the Hippie movement has failed to gain any traction or leave any legacy over the past forty years. Sure, there was a spike in Hippie activity directly after "Hippie-Genesis" occurred in the 1960's but throughout the following decades the thrust of being a Hippie lost all importance and credibility. If you asked an average Joe on the street today to describe a Hippie they would render them down to drugs, joblessness, The Grateful Dead or Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream. Although there are many flaws with Hippies (shudder) the most glaring error in their evolution is the lack of a Hippie moderate.
As I see it there are two predominant groups of Hippies:
1) The Dirty Hippies. 2) The New Agers.
The Dirty Hippies are the easily recognized Spicoli type. Part surfer, part skateboarder, part singer-songwriter. You'll often smell them coming before you actually see them. Not because they rarely bathe (which they don't) but because they'll be driving a biodiesel Volvo puffing exhaust clouds of repurposed french fry oil. In the back yard of their shared housing they will most likely have a complex handmade filtration system that indirectly irrigates thier tomato garden with excreted piss and shit. Almost all Dirty Hippies have an idiot savant knowledge on the multifaceted uses for hemp as well as the beneficial applications of medicinal marijuana. Don't be fooled by a DH's lopsided information ratio, you see Hippies are not consumed with the legalization of drugs for their own recreational benefits NO! they are in fact fighting a war on personal freedoms. Armed with ponchos, patchouli oil and puka shell necklaces these birkenstock bearers will never harsh your mellow.
New Agers are to Hippies as born again Christians are to Christianity. Born Agains are essentially criminals or deviants who did terrible things early on in their lives that forced them into rehab or jail. During their time in the clink they rediscover the word of God in order to absolve their sins. The byproduct of being reintroduced into the faith however is an overwhelming desire to (cram their beliefs) instruct any non believer that they might encounter in their daily lives.
New Agers are usually former Hippies who abandoned the Hippie lifestyle once they realized that love (and LSD) could not in fact conquer all. They threw away their bandanas, suited up and got real jobs for a couple of decades so that they could pay the bills. But, the nagging desire to celebrate their vague spirituality and fascination with the healing power of gems finally overcame them. All of their repressed Hippie urges started a wheat-grass-roots campaign in the bottom of their souls and began screaming "Kumbaya." What resulted was a need to preach Hippie platitudes funded with the finances collected during their time working for "The Man." Whether they are on their way to Whole Foods or a Phish concert or just topping up their Tesla with a fresh laptop battery a New Ager is never too busy to pontificate on the dangers of plastic, the importance of recycling or the necessity to integrate solar panels into every light reflecting surface on the planet.
The unfortunate consequence of the New Ager's monetary success manifests itself in a lack of awareness of how the other 99% actually live. The average American does not have the 50 extra dollars necessary to purchase a pound of organic buckwheat nor do they have the means to buy and service a Prius.
What Hippies have created then is disconnect. In one instance you have young (perhaps misguided) drug laden folk with a passion for living off of the grid. On the other hand you have organic elitists whose monetary class renders them unrelatable to the rest of the world. It is not just a matter of money either. Like a modern day Atheist New Ager's operate with righteous indignation. It is not enough to provide information and to be inclusive of any step in the right direction. Anyone who has been to a Trader Joe's knows the smug look you get from your fellow shoppers if you forget to bring your reusable nylon bags and instead have to opt for a paper one. The irony of course is that the Hippie culture was a response to popular culture and like other countercultures was intended as a refuge for all of the freaks and nutters of society. What it ultimately has created however is a no man's land that only seems to breed spite and derision.
Surprisingly, unlike the clip above I am FOR tipping. My problem with tipping however is that there is no way to accurately judge a waitress/waiters performance other than the tip itself. Certainly if someone does a horrible job you can refuse to tip them but that just makes you/I look like a cheap insensitive clod. In addition, the sensitive souls among us will harbor guilt for having to withhold money that someone else may rely on. If the waitress messes up and you/I remove a dollar from the tip, they again will just think us cheap. Should we give an extra dollar for great service they might deduce that our math skills are poor or decide that we just didn't want to lug 93 cents in change home with us.
More importantly though tipping (In North American culture) is essentially built into the dining out experience. The fatal flaw with the entire tipping construct is that there is no clear way to communicate good/bad service so that a server knows when he or she is being rewarded/punished accordingly. Certainly one could write on the bill: "terrible service, I hope you choke on a bread stick and die." But you'd probably just get categorized as a "Drunk unruly customer who is no longer allowed at any Olive Garden in the state of California." This in my mind defeats the entire purpose of gratuity because there is no way to decipher gratitude (or the lack of it) through any concrete means.
So I thought on this problem (as all geniuses do) and I came up with a solution...The server scorecard. The principle of the server scorecard is simple. Calculate what the average tip is in your area. In the state of California it is about 17%. Next compose a list of 17 things that you expect from a server at a restaurant. For each task that your server does not perform or performs poorly deduct one point (or 1%) from their tip. In addition, you can also add a bonus section for those servers that go above and beyond the call of duty to earn additional gratuity. If you are too lazy or lack creativity like me then simply round up to 18% and make up 9 things worth 2 points each.
In the interest of science I went out to dinner and took some notes to get a better idea of what the public at large might expect from a server. Below I will present some talking points that you might want to include in your own list.
1)Attitude
A server should proceed on the assumption that you/I have come to their establishment to celebrate a special occasion. I don't require an entire brass section of trumpeters to announce my arrival or an overly exuberant waitress gleaming at me with her jackal-like fangs. A modest recognition of my presence without a long exhausted sigh or a drag ass walk to my table will suit me just fine.
2)Order Taking
Arriving within the first five minutes of me being seated to take a drink order is not a sin. Secondly, we are not BFF's so please reserve your jocular tone for a little later in our dining experience. Also, please stand to take my order. I'm not a child, you don't have to squat down to my level and help me to point to the picture of the food that I am ordering. In addition, No sitters. Unless you are picking up part of the tab or buying us a round of adult beverages the empty seat at our table is not reserved for you. Please write down my order. The memorization magic trick impressions no one. If a trick has a 100% who gives a s*%t response when it works and a 100% complaint response when it fails why bother?
3)Serving Food
Remember, serving me food/drink is your number one job. Because of this please take special care not to serve me someone else's food from another table and likewise please do not serve my food to someone else. However, mistakes do occur and I won't judge you harshly if you correct the mistake and/or are apologetic about it.
4)Attentiveness/Pestering
Every once in a while when I am gobbling down a juice splatterin' bacon burger I might need a napkin or two to sop up my zombie like meat crazed face. Also, why bother asking me if I want a refill if I'm drinking soda? Fill the glass. Worst case scenario you have to dump 6 cents worth of coke zero down the drain. Also, I'm aware that I just ate a gigantic meal fit for two people but perhaps I'd also like to cram four pounds of molten lava cake down my gullet as well. It doesn't hurt to ask if I'd like dessert considering that a portion of every dollar I spend goes to you.
On the flip side dining out with friends or family often serves to motivate important conversations. Should you (the server) witness that someone at the table is visibly upset an/or in the midst of a misogynistic tirade perhaps you could do another lap around the restaurant before inquiring about about the jalapeno poppers.
5)The Check
Don't bring it too soon (like when I'm halfway through eating). I know you'll say "Don't feel rushed" but that's like saying "Don't notice the polar bear behind you that's about to tear into your trachea." Once the image (or fear) has been implanted I feel rushed. More importantly once you do drop off the check don't disappear for an hour. Further, please don't take my money/card and keep it for so long that I think you are across the street filling up your gas tank with it. Our final exchange is the most important one because the last thing that you do is the last (and sometimes only) thing that I remember. Poor change service could sully an otherwise great waiting performance. I know I don't speak for the rest of the world but once I'm done eating I'm ready to leave and the quicker that someone can facilitate my leaving the greater the gratuity.
But enough of my belly aching. Please take the template which I will provide below (pending the link works) and go out into the world and rate some waitresses and waiters.
As Peter Parker's uncle put it "With great power comes great responsibility." Upon first glance it might be difficult to see the correlation between Spiderman and a Porsche driver yet, they are in their essence the same thing. Peter Parker was an every man who was transformed by a spider bite into a heroic protector of the weak and innocent. A Porsche owner by virtue of a key is elevated to a level of prestige and envy untouched by most. The problem that arises with many Porsche drivers however is that they are oblivious to the unstated duties of driving a German crafted sports car. Besides having the funds to pay the astronomical price tag, a Porsche owner is obligated to uphold an image of class and unobtainable superiority. People who see a Porsche drive by shouldn't feel jealous, instead they should look upon it with reverence and eagerly get out of the passing lane.
Sadly, inside North America and I imagine many countries all over the world Porches are being passed over with cursory glances that were once reserved for Fords Buicks and Dodges. This loss of image is directly related to a deflated sense of mystique which is directly related to a dwindling adherence to the rules of driving a Porsche. Should you ever find yourself among the 1% and you stumble across this blog please read the following detailed instructions to insure that you are driving your Porsche correctly.
1) Cleanliness: A Porsche must always be clean. Correction, a Porsche must always be spotless. With a cost of 80,000 dollars and up a Porsche is a jewel to behold. You wouldn't wear a scuffed, dinged and dirty watch or necklace so why should you expect anything less for your car? A Porsche is intended for good weather only, not because it can't handle a little bit of rain or snow but because it should be regarded as a toy of excess. Let your four door Mercedes or BMW do the grunt work on the sleet filled salty streets. When the weather is cool and clear, then and only then is it time to let the turbo's rip. If you can't afford to store your Porsche in inclement weather you can't afford to have a Porsche. Also, if you can afford to foot the bill for high octane fuel then you can spare the cost for a monthly detailing.
2) Manner of Dress: You are not a hobo/hobette who stumbled out from your crack den and into the alley where your Porsche was parked. Absolutely no sweat pants. I don't care if you just came from the gym, that is what changing rooms were invented for. The optimal dress is probably business casual, something with movement but enough style to still look important. If you must wear anything else first insure that it is properly tailored or that it is an article of clothing that isn't prominent within the general public. Remember, a t-shirt isn't just a t-shirt if it costs 100 dollars.
3) A Porsche Boxster isn't a Porsche: If you are rich and you have accidentally purchased one of these cars for yourself please immediately throw it in the garbage. If you own a Porsche Boxster thinking that you had finally "made it" sorry, you are still not part of the club. No member of the upper class strives for the bare minimum. The Porsche Boxster is merely a Pyramid scheme that keeps Porsche in business long enough to sell real Porsches to real Porsche owners.
4) Attitude: You are the 1%, the working world aspires to be you. You are not just a king/queen among men, you symbolically represent the dreams of millions of people. Because of this you are not allowed to be in a bad mood when you are driving your Porsche. The desire for many to go on with their lives is fueled by the vain hope that one day they will become someone like you. Do not crush their lives by getting angry at the barista who forgot your non fat whipped topping. Your tiny burst of road rage or sad frown at the sight of a traffic jam is enough to crack the facade that is holding up the world. Remember, even if nothing is going right in your life, you've still got a Porsche and that ain't so bad.
5) Driving Habits: A Porsche is a high performance machine that has been tested on the Nurburgring in order to tweak it for maximum response in braking, turning and acceleration. A Porsche was not built and was never intended to be a boulevard cruiser. Under no circumstances should you drive the car 15 miles per hour...anywhere. A Porsche should always be driven fast. Speed limits should be regarded as a suggestion rather than an instruction. Because of the unstated requirement to drive fast it is also your duty to pay a small duty fee in the form of speeding tickets. A couple hundred dollars is a pittance to pay in order to tell the rest of the world "I can drive as fast as I want."
Whether it is a briefcase, a basket of wine and cheeses from the Napa valley or a lady of the evening the passenger seat should always be occupied. Onlookers don't want to believe that sad, old, lonely men putter around nightclubs in search of gold digging strays. Rather, people want to believe that a Porsche driver has already got it all and if he doesn't have it yet, he is on the short, exclusive waiting list.
Finally, music. If the sound of a high revving engine and turbo whoosh isn't enough for you then please be sure to choose your music wisely. Save the 80's hair bands for your cousin's Camaro. Anything too loud or ostentatious takes away from the importance of the car. Loud noises are devices used by children and people of low intelligence. Like a drunk heckler at a comedy club an overly loud display of music will get people looking at you for all of the wrong reasons.
If you work these five steps into your Porsche driving regimen the world will be a better place for it. Good luck and God bless.
Disclaimer: If you don't agree with the gross generalizations I make in this post or if you are an exception to them please feel inclined to withhold that information from me.
This post is for the troops!
Allow me to disclose something, I am a coward. Like many other socially awkward introverted hermits I marvel in dreams of being heroic. However, if the opportunity ever presented itself in real life I would probably just scream and urinate in my pants until the threat was forced to vacate the area to escape the wailing and stench of my piss. I am not a fan of war but if we have to rape and pillage a country every couple of years so that I can continue to get a 99 cent burrito from taco bell, so be it. I admire people who serve in the military. Whether they do it because they were preyed on and recruited due to their lack of education/income or because they are legitimately brave I am glad that someone who is not me is willing to stand in front enemy gunfire. I want to be clear before we move on that my following criticism is in no way related to the military.
Recently I was watching a television show where they take a shitty car and convert it into a freshly painted car in a short period of time. These types of shows are the equivalent to cheap home makeover shows but they involve men and cars and as such allow males to maintain a veneer of masculinity while they watch them. This particular episode involved a Ford pickup truck. In this particular series two competing teams are given the same vehicle and are pitted against each other in a competition to decide who makes the best vehicle in the alloted time.
At some point during the design phase one team decided that they were going to make a vehicle and dedicate it to the troops. Predictably their finished product was a raised up, garish nightmare covered in stars and stripes. First off, I'd like to point out that while most soldiers are probably patriotic that the American flag on its own does not directly show support for the troops. If that was the case then every car, article of clothing or tchotchke that you purchase with an american flag sticker or tag would be in support of the military.
The real reason why anyone on a television show does anything for the troops is because it is a cheap, gimmicky manipulation. On a small scale especially when being judged it gives one team an unfair advantage. To not vote for the car that was made for the troops would be unpatriotic! The contest is no longer about which car is better, it is about which vehicle loves his countrymen more. On a slightly larger scale the television network uses it as a cheap ploy to tug on your heartstrings and get more viewers to watch. The show is no longer about the craft of fabrication now it is a communal healing experience. Now it's about all the people who lost their lives in 9/11. Now it's about justice and the symbolic killing of Osama.
So the network has got you hooked and feeling good but are the network execs as patriotic with their advertising? Do they feature only American products during that hour of television or do they still sellout to the highest bidder? Do they donate the proceeds from the episode to the continued medical or psychiatric care of injured soldiers? Will these fleeting haphazard moments of gooey patriotism get crooked Joe out of his wheelchair? He took a bullet in the spine for his country and now he's addicted to painkillers and Jack Daniels to ease the suffering. Are you going to to wheel his contorted body into frame, hands covered in bruises from beating his wife because he can no longer stifle the pain of losing his entire life at such an early age? probably not. The people who put this shit on television and exploit the military for monetary gain would never pick up a gun and defend you or their country. Don't be fooled into believing that a small collection of greedy assholes care about or value your contribution to freedom in any way.
Life Changes suck because they are like the currency form of change. First and most notably change is almost obsolete. In this day and age of credit/debit there is no need for you to carry a pocketful of quarters dimes and nickels around. Every transaction is electronically calculated thus removing the need for pouring a bunch of smelly metal into your hand and counting it out. When you think of change what's the first thing you think about? probably and old person in line in front of you at the convenience store, CONVENIENTLY counting out 3 dollars worth of pennies and nickels to pay for a gallon of milk.
What do you do with change? More often than not, you try not to address it for as long as possible. You get a jar, piggy bank or 20 gallon water jug in the case of my father and you start throwing change in it. You only ever collect the change for one of two reasons:
1) the piggy bank is full. 2) you are poor as shit and you need to buy groceries.
In instance #1 you will commonly just find a bigger container so that you can continue putting off addressing your change. In instance #2 you only address your change because you absolutely have to. What are your options when you cash in your coins?
1) Use the coin collector machine at Walmart and get raped at a rate of 10 cents on the dollar 2) Tediously roll the pennies up in those paper casings.
After you've rolled up all your change and wheeled the four hundred pounds worth of scrap metal to your car, you drive it to the bank and collect 26 dollars. wow. Was rolling up all that change worth it? not really.
Change is rarely if ever good. Sure you could take a quarter from your change and put it in a slot machine and perhaps pull a jackpot, but that's not very likely. You can't build a foundation of a business with change. People may take pity on someone who is penniless and throw them a bone but they will ignore someone with a handful of change.
Personally speaking I've never heard my wife say "I'm so happy with the way that you are treating me that I insist that you change your behavior." Nope, the only times we get lectured by our spouses or loved ones is because we are screwing up and they want change.
Philosophically, When we are at 100% we are like a dollar bill. One hundred cents unified in a single strong note. When we are forced to change we have to adapt and cash ourselves in for 100 pennies. Certainly we are much more versatile and we can be alloted to many different things. But what really happens when you have handful of pennies? Generally you just smash them down on the table and forget about them for awhile. At some point the dog will run face first into a table leg and bump a few pennies off. Someone else will come by and play a game with the pennies flinging them back and forth. One of them will zing into a plant or zag underneath a counter. No one will think to pick the penny up because after all, it's just a penny. When you eventually get back to your change you will only be 78 cents strong.
In life sometimes it is necessary to change. We believe foolishly because we are surviving that change is a good thing, but that is a lie. Any time we are forced to change, we compromise ourselves, without interest. In the end if you change, you are selling yourself short.
