The Decidedly Lackluster Post

They can't all be winners right? I have a lot of anger about a lot of things but I don't feel like refining  it down and pushing it through a sarcastic filter today. Nope, I think I'll just meander here for a paragraph or two just to see how it feels. Actually, it feels kind of weird. I'm already getting an inkling that I should be saying something more important...Aw hell.


Okay, how about this: I live in a one bedroom apartment (as all wildly successful people do) if I haven't mentioned this already I'm pretty sure it's a converted motel. I'll attach a picture don't worry. Actually by the time you read that sentence the picture will already be there. 

Anyway... There are several buildings in the complex and mine just so happens to back onto another apartment that is just like mine within the complex. What this means is that I can hear the abusive stepmother that lives behind me threaten to force feed the kids Nyquil between long drags from her cigarettes. The only reprieve I get from her yelling is if she is chasing the kids around trying to beat them. What this usually results in is a prolonged hacking, coughing spree that lasts up to and including 15 minutes in length. I would be lying if I said that I didn't wish she had succumbed to her failing lungs on more than one occasion. 


I've also had the pleasure of  hearing a gentleman I've never met, routinely hork up a mouth full of phlegm and blast out a few snot rockets while having his after work shower. If I'm really lucky on a special occasion while I am out walking the dog I might encounter a man who has clearly walked downstairs from his second level apartment to stand shakily between two cars in the parking lot and void his bowels of all the cerveza his liver could handle. Why he didn't use the toilet inside, I'll never know. But these are the charms of apartment living! What I've decided to talk about today is something a little more soul crushing. 

I was sitting in the living room and I heard a sound that was reminiscent of a selection being made on a DVD home screen. Just a small little "beep". I convinced myself that it was my wife watching something in the other room and she was scanning between chapters of some television show she'd seen numerous times. I thought nothing of it until the next day. 


The next day my wife said to me:


Wife: Did you hear the beeping?
Me: What beeping?
Wife: The beeping.
Me: Uh, you mean that noise wasn't you watching a movie?
Wife: No, it's a smoke detector beeping.
Me: Is it ours?
Wife: No, it is someone else's.
Me: Who's is it?
Wife: I'm not sure.


Herein lies the problem: We live on the top floor and our apartment backs onto another 2 floor structure just like ours. The beeping could be coming from the apartment below us, the apartment beside us, the apartment beside us and to the right, the apartment directly across from us, the apartment across and below, below and beside, across and beside, and on and on and on. Worse, between the two apartments there is this strange channeling effect where all sounds echo between the opposing buildings. So, it is conceivable that the sound might be strong enough to beep from 200 feet away and be ricocheting off the walls and into my apartment window. In other words, the origin of the sound can not accurately be traced. 

What is worse is that the person who occupies the apartment wherever the noise is emanating from has yet to discover it. It is inconceivable that someone could not hear a high pitched beep that sounds at the very least every 45 seconds. It has seemingly become more frequent as the days (yes I said days) have passed. Why oh why if it was your apartment and you heard it would you just not pull out the freaking battery and end the noise until you get a replacement? It's not as if a smoke detector is really going to do its proper job when the only sound it can muster is a lonely and meek cry for a battery replacement.


So this is where I'm at. I'm going to have to spend perhaps hours tomorrow standing between two buildings trying to track down the origin of the beeping and either beat the ever loving hell out of an unrelenting smoke detector or implore one of my lovely fellow tenants to get a new battery.

Fuck The Like Button

90% of my Facebook activities revolve around poking my father. It should come as no surprise that I do not like Facebook. I don't dislike it for the same trendy reasons that the wannabe misanthropists do it. I don't dislike it because I am counter culture. I don't dislike it because it is primarily a tool for stupid people to congregate and exchange ideas. I simply reject it because of its premise and that premise is to share your life experiences with your friends and family. As a misanthrope with no money, how many friends could I really have and how valuable could a tool like Facebook be toward serving my needs? If anything, Facebook only exposes and shares my secrets with people that I don't really like, secrets that I probably wouldn't have talked about if I didn't feel obligated.  

As I've said before however, the only thing worse than acquainting yourself with a piece of technology or service that you don't like is being left behind by society. So I've bought in to a certain degree I'm not trying to pad my friends list or push a religious/political/environmental agenda but I will send you some gifts in farmville and take a survey from time to time. If you are a loyal Facebook user the only thing I ask of you is that use the "like" button with discretion. 


When I pen a status update I think about it and I try to be clever or interesting. Below is an example of a recent one:


"I'm thinking about starting a company that sells equipment to help older cats live healthier more active lives. I'm going to call it: Feline Aids."


Granted this status may not tickle your funny bone and I understand that. I don't expect everyone on my list to like everything that I say. However, I will then see someone else's status like this:


"Just bought some batteries" 

This status gets 4 "likes" and a discussion about what kind of batteries/what size are your favorites ensues. I don't want to call people outright dumb so I'll have to do it indirectly. What the Fuck people? I know that thinking on any level is difficult but you are presenting and supporting the idea that you are an idiot by "liking" and engaging in these topics. If you are making these status updates you should be ashamed. Unless you are posting on Facebook to let your brother/sister know that you have walked their dog which you are babysitting then there is no reason to report it. The only thing you are saying to sane intelligent people when you make a useless comment is "I am boring and useless but I want attention because I am narcissistic." If you are "liking" and replying to these useless status updates you are saying "I am an idiot who doesn't have thoughts. Thankfully you've mentioned batteries, batteries are something that even an idiot has been acquainted with in life. As an idiot, I will now talk about batteries and praise you for bringing up the topic."

If you see something you don't understand, work to understand it. Inquire, ask questions. Being passive is a disease. Sure this entire commentary is fueled by jealousy but that's beside the point. It's hard enough for me to maintain the facade that I support the human race as it is please don't make it more difficult by liking the fact that some dumbass ate a cookie.

Edge

I want to be less edgy. Currently my blog is a tamer, lamer version of how I feel. My humour and many of my real thoughts are quite dark. I imagine that darkness is a manifestation of my fear of death. You know who doesn't want to read about your fear of death? Everybody. Well, there could be a few weird ones who think that they are edgy and unique who will listen. They unfortunately will only read a few paragraphs before retreating back into the belief that they're the only ones who know true suffering. I know this because Tyler knows this. 

I want to be less edgy, yes even less edgy than I already am because I want people to read what I write. I don't want to scare people off with some pretentious esoteric scribblings. I want to be inclusive and accepting. I want to be the voice of the people. 


I have been looking at blogs from all around the world in the last few days to try to get a feeling for what people are interested in reading about. I have narrowed the field down to a few main categories:


1) Cats/Animals
2) Fashion/Makeup
3) Politics
4) Technology Reviews


In my attempt to grasp at more blog hits and by association greatness I bring you the first entry of my brand new blog style.


Hey loyal follower, Today Lucy (she's my cat) came over and sat on my lap. You know what she did after that? she started pushing up and down on me, trying to soften me up like I was her bed LOL! cats think that we are warm chairs. If I didn't mention this already my cat is super smart, she knows how to poop in the toilet (For realz) but unfortunately she can't flush. Talk about an awkward moment when you go to pee at 2 a.m. and the kitty is hunched over the toilet reading the San Francisco Chronicle. 

My dogz's name is Lola, she's a pug. Pugs are ugly as hell. At best their faces look like tired old men at the nursing home, at worst they look like someone glued a couple of golf balls to a scrotum. Since I am too poor and irresponsible to have children, my wife likes to dress the dog up like it's a person. She is ashamed of this behavior but she does it anyway. I think that they should have a fashion blog for dogs so that they can get all the latest styles. They probably do but they need to have a segment where the super tall, skinny, gaunt dogs walk down the runway. Make it work!

I think that makeup is cool. When I was a kid I used to like to put my mom's makeup on. Sometimes when no one was home I would put my mom's clothes on and walk around in her shoes and say "I'm the queen, nice to meet you." Next thing you know I'm in therapy and the psychologist is saying "It's okay, you can tell me if you're gay." Naw, LOLZ that never happened I was just joshing your chain.


How about that Obama eh? I either agree with his politics or I believe that he is a dirty Muslim sinner (audience dependent). Since I hail from Canada originally I think it is absurd that a base level of health care is even being argued over. On the other hand, get your hands off my money Juan and go back to your own country, but leave the churros, thanks. 

Ipads, they suck. I can't afford one, screw you for having one. If you want me to change my opinion send me two.

So that's it, entry one of my new style I hope you enjoyed it!